poetically pathetic

Someday I find myself sitting in my room staring out my window wondering if I'll ever pull through, all that has happened without you. I'm so consumed with my addiction and mental illness I'd even cut my arms to see if I could still feel shit. Some nights I would find all this to much to take or even fake. Through all the bending I'm now about to break, I mean how much is one suppose to carry on there plate. In the past 5 years I've lost both parents, my best friend to suicide and my daughter went to her aunts to stay. Everyday I fight to find a way to make all this better but going at this alone is not getting me any closer to trying to rebuild something of a home. pour another drink and lets get stoned was not the tone I was trying to set and the night life I led now consist of holding a knife trying not to cut my wrist. When the hell will my "you'll get past all this begin" because I feel my heart turning into a fist. If I could just go home one more time and find everyone in there place, once more to see there smiling face. Sound stupid but every birthday this seems to be my wish. April 13th I'll be 38 and still find no cause to celebrate, how I've come to hate this time of season, if only I could find something to believe in. Sometimes it seems I'll never find the happiness I once had, my family is gone and my best friend still seems like so long. How did I end up alone with all this constantly in my face and that's when I heard it, my mom repeated your not a quieter your my fighter, let this shit go and don't be bitter. Show me something anything to know I'll be alright, and as I lifted my head there in sight was my rainbow....A new beginning to life lost and a life sunk low, blow that shit out the water and paddle harder, there she blows.