Redemption Sale

And now my friends
comes my inevitable fall
from decades of debauchery

On impact
I am broken
busted
and splattered by it all

A shattered shell
of former hedonistic glory

My charred ass
now scattered
across all mass media
24/7 outlets

My fans lament that I could have died

My enemies decry I should have

Forensic search parties are dispatched
earning time and a half
scouring my impact crater
for answers to questions
no one was asking

Experts on me
whom I have never met previously
proclaim definitively
what a hot steaming mess was I

Theologians clad in somber black
decry my shameless lack of morality

My story saturates
and dominates
two and a half
news cycles
til a former child star
crashed her sports car
while giving a hand job
to a respected Senator   
old enough to be her father
(He was a friend of her Dad's actually)

This fresh cultural deflection
effectively turns off
my freak show spot light inspection

Happily back
in anonymity
I can pick up
as many pieces of me as I can find

Did my best post crash reassembly
purely from memory

After a week in rehab
(with that same former child star
coincidentally)
I am now reborn

Totally semi rehabilitated

Wrote the obligatory
best selling book eventually

Now I'm doing a tell all
gut spilling world tour
as I rake in the bucks
sharing my sordid past flaws
with my downtrodden fans 
who now view me vicariously 
as some sort of warped role model 
and all the while I wonder
while regaling the paying customers
why I did not 
think of this cheesy redemption act before