Reflection

I feel as if my days are in a process of summing up.
That I linger in oft moments reviewing the past 
I find so many flaws in the way I reacted or plunged forward and Zi could have done better 
I could certainly have loved better, more often, more intense,  just loved
I hear the echoes of words, my words, my choices , and cringe knowing now how it sounded, how it tore down not uplifted 
How my beautiful sweet children smiled and laughed and drew life from my eyes
The times I turned away too tired, or self absorbed 
Why God are we given the ability to remember and see. And be cursed knowing that for all time those actions are not fixed.
I çry salty dragon tears that have no forgiveness.
There is none.
I had no idea what I was and how I was 
I was busy working at a hectic stressful job,  making the house payment in a nice upper middle class house.
My husband was clearly unhappy and was going to quit his job as he usually did.
I worked 12 hours a day at a hospital and I gave my patients, the staff, the Drs what goodness and light I had.
When I got home to kids that needed me I zoned out, I phoned it in.
If course reality is you do what you can do
Life doesn't stop so we can adjust our feelings to do better
We must do what it takes to live.
It's been over 25 years now they are grown and have babies of their own.
So far
They are doing a hell of a lot better than I did. 

Thank God