Seasonal Pt. 1

Guess the weather changed.
Guess the nights kept falling. 
Every time it freezes over-
my other side comes calling
these are the times when I feel something
in juxtaposition to the echolalia
and the classic mumblings-
and laughter buds of azelias.
(Forgive me for my grammar,
Forgive me for my stammer-
What's a nice way to say
that I'm hammered?)
I found myself in the garden
feeling older
the weight of my words on my shoulders-
once my playlists change-
it's all over.
the blazing build of tension
the things I never mention
Expletives- 
unheard messages
encoded to anyone else to hear
a cry for help
a call to self
a blood oath 
owe it to my health 
to get help
on the radar only a small blimp
promise myself I won't let it slip
Then give up the will for a quick fix
not looking for attention,
at least not for this- 
There's a reason I'm such a good actor-
I'd rather be known for my art
than for my melancholy stature
and put into awkward positions
Like a bumbling politician-
not sure what to say
so he sways the situation
Forgive me father,
I've fallen into temptation-
My thoughts are too wild
these words got no style
It's too late and im too tired
not like I'm admired
no one will see my regret
not like im going to transcend
im a b rate intellectual
who just got drunk again
but tomorrow breaks a new sun
Maybe I'll make a better one
Either way,
I'm done.