Seeking Exculpation

To wake each morning and begrudge
 the daylight  intruding  into that life..again.
To feel desolate,that once more,no prayers were answered
despite  frantic blind pleadings for an unending sleep.
To know that again the charade continues,with firstly,the 
unwelcome  reflection in a mirror of life.
A mirror  that mimics a steadfast smile that all the world sees.
A mind so fogged by perceived imperfections that it warrants 
no respect, no countenance.
A life unblessed by the joy  and love a family can bring.
Stagnation touching everything... .a fetid life  with no escape or respite
Constant black webbing,tangles every worthwhile thought enmeshing it so completely, it surrenders without a whimper.
Pushing aside the voice playing constant within....with just one single word...why?
Why is there  a blackness nothing can alieviate? 
This  vacuity of emotion that notwithstanding seems  to cover the very ground being trod upon.
Each  step compressing it further into the earth,to live within the dank,coldness of lost souls,
No remedy for this..
No possible return to ‘normal’
Life is a pastime, now outgrown,and the desire is solely for the game to end.
Frantic scouring to find a method, sure,clean,quick.
Heaven is a long way  from any thoughts , only the eternal fire plays centre stage...
But maybe that is better than the numbing emptyness of this life...
Pontius  Pilot supplications,
seeking  a solution absolving blame from my hands to rendering me non culpable, 
yet still with the aim of oblivion magnificently achieved....
This my desired fait accompli.
The day has just begun, 
maybe the prayers will be answered tonight ,
Maybe....
but if not 
then purgatory continues 
and is relentlesly eternal..

As a one time Samaritan,this scenario was,sadly, one heard more than once....