Poem -

Seeking Exculpation

Seeking Exculpation

To wake each morning and begrudge
 the daylight  intruding  into that life..again.
To feel desolate,that once more,no prayers were answered
despite  frantic blind pleadings for an unending sleep.
To know that again the charade continues,with firstly,the 
unwelcome  reflection in a mirror of life.
A mirror  that mimics a steadfast smile that all the world sees.
A mind so fogged by perceived imperfections that it warrants 
no respect, no countenance.
A life unblessed by the joy  and love a family can bring.
Stagnation touching everything... .a fetid life  with no escape or respite
Constant black webbing,tangles every worthwhile thought enmeshing it so completely, it surrenders without a whimper.
Pushing aside the voice playing constant within....with just one single word...why?
Why is there  a blackness nothing can alieviate? 
This  vacuity of emotion that notwithstanding seems  to cover the very ground being trod upon.
Each  step compressing it further into the earth,to live within the dank,coldness of lost souls,
No remedy for this..
No possible return to ā€˜normalā€™
Life is a pastime, now outgrown,and the desire is solely for the game to end.
Frantic scouring to find a method, sure,clean,quick.
Heaven is a long way  from any thoughts , only the eternal fire plays centre stage...
But maybe that is better than the numbing emptyness of this life...
Pontius  Pilot supplications,
seeking  a solution absolving blame from my hands to rendering me non culpable, 
yet still with the aim of oblivion magnificently achieved....
This my desired fait accompli.
The day has just begun, 
maybe the prayers will be answered tonight ,
Maybe....
but if not 
then purgatory continues 
and is relentlesly eternal..

As a one time Samaritan,this scenario was,sadly, one heard more than once....

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Comments

author
Lorna

Hi Lodigiana, I work on the emergency department and the ammout of people who suffer from such severe mental health problems its harrowing. The service is just not able to provide the help needed for people. The Samaritans do such a fantastic job!! Well done for being involved with such a worthy cause

A mind so fogged by perceived imperfections that it warrants 
no respect, no countenance.

Your really did this piece justice... fantastic
Lorna xxx

Reply
author
lodigiana

Thanks so much  Lorna. You are so right about just how many people are struggling with mental health issues. I was a Samaritan some years ago and it seemed almost overwhelming then but I really believe the situation is so much worse now!- I have no idea how you wonderful guys cope in the emergency department ! you are all angels - At the present time I help out at a Food Bank and  again there are so many of our clientele who are having financial difficulties because of their mental health issues..it's difficult to pinpoint where we as a peoples are failing our ailing brothers and sisters.. but I'm guessing more money pumped into mental Health and other services  would be a start!.Thanks again for your positive comments and for all you do in the emergency dept xxx
Lodigiana

Reply
author
StevieC

Hi Lodigiana,
a really powerful piece ! dark, depressing but full of emotion- great stuff!!

Reply
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