Seeking Exculpation

To wake each morning and begrudge
the daylight intruding into that life..again.
To feel desolate,that once more,no prayers were answered
despite frantic blind pleadings for an unending sleep.
To know that again the charade continues,with firstly,the
unwelcome reflection in a mirror of life.
A mirror that mimics a steadfast smile that all the world sees.
A mind so fogged by perceived imperfections that it warrants
no respect, no countenance.
A life unblessed by the joy and love a family can bring.
Stagnation touching everything... .a fetid life with no escape or respite
Constant black webbing,tangles every worthwhile thought enmeshing it so completely, it surrenders without a whimper.
Pushing aside the voice playing constant within....with just one single word...why?
Why is there a blackness nothing can alieviate?
This vacuity of emotion that notwithstanding seems to cover the very ground being trod upon.
Each step compressing it further into the earth,to live within the dank,coldness of lost souls,
No remedy for this..
No possible return to ānormalā
Life is a pastime, now outgrown,and the desire is solely for the game to end.
Frantic scouring to find a method, sure,clean,quick.
Heaven is a long way from any thoughts , only the eternal fire plays centre stage...
But maybe that is better than the numbing emptyness of this life...
Pontius Pilot supplications,
seeking a solution absolving blame from my hands to rendering me non culpable,
yet still with the aim of oblivion magnificently achieved....
This my desired fait accompli.
The day has just begun,
maybe the prayers will be answered tonight ,
Maybe....
but if not
then purgatory continues
and is relentlesly eternal..
As a one time Samaritan,this scenario was,sadly, one heard more than once....
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Comments
Hi Lodigiana, I work on the emergency department and the ammout of people who suffer from such severe mental health problems its harrowing. The service is just not able to provide the help needed for people. The Samaritans do such a fantastic job!! Well done for being involved with such a worthy cause
Your really did this piece justice... fantastic
Lorna xxx
Thanks so much Lorna. You are so right about just how many people are struggling with mental health issues. I was a Samaritan some years ago and it seemed almost overwhelming then but I really believe the situation is so much worse now!- I have no idea how you wonderful guys cope in the emergency department ! you are all angels - At the present time I help out at a Food Bank and again there are so many of our clientele who are having financial difficulties because of their mental health issues..it's difficult to pinpoint where we as a peoples are failing our ailing brothers and sisters.. but I'm guessing more money pumped into mental Health and other services would be a start!.Thanks again for your positive comments and for all you do in the emergency dept xxx
Lodigiana
Hi Lodigiana,
a really powerful piece ! dark, depressing but full of emotion- great stuff!!