Shattered

On a dreary night
After an unproductive day
where I achieved little and ate too much
I received the "email" that evoked
more droplets on my face
than the rain splashing around my feet
Am I really that dysfunctional

Either they are truly out of touch
Or I am critically delusional and in need of a lobotomy
Half the shit we have to read requires so much "interpretation"
Yet they say it's difficult to read between my lines

It's hard enough for me to get out of bed each morning
To keep up the facade of a livable homefront
It takes so much mental energy
just to keep track of spending precious pennies
And of basic scheduled appointments

The only thing I have ever felt good at is "reading around my field"
But I've nevertheless failed as an academic
And so, what hope is there that I'll ever find value in this society
Or even in the one to come

I have always existed (barely) between the cracks
Never fitted into the boxes earmarked for human kinds
Ever a parasite living on scraps of borrowed time
Hoping not to get caught out,
at the changeovers between moon and sun

On a dreary night
After an unproductive day
where I achieved little and ate too much
I received the "email" that evoked
more tears than the leaves blown all round these trees

I pace slowly through the park and take a detour
Not quite ready to go home and face the mirror
My wooden soles tap upon the black glass
Lights bleed upon me like slaughtered angels
My hopes and aspirations oozing like volcanic overflow
cooling into a sea of despair 

An icy wind bites my ears and they burn like chillies
I grip the axis of my umbrella and turn my face to slate
Feel free to smash bricks on a cheekbone
as I join the McBeths and start to feed my heart to slimy sewer rats
But then I hesitate

A waft of heaven fills the air
I am overcome by the scents of an enchanting garden
and soak in everything
It's like a drug: the lavender, the jasmine,
the wattle, the rose, the frangipani
What a high has captured my mind
and taken it into the baths of queen Esther

On a dreary night
After an unproductive day
where I achieved little and ate too much
I received the love of God
in the perfumes of his choosing
And I know someone values me,
even if the academy does not