Statistics

I keep telling myself
Maybe it’s just a bad hour
Bad day
Bad week
Bad month
But it’s been 5 years
It’s really hard to register in my mind that I’ve been this sad for that long
And the years just keep adding up
And I’m counting
Thinking maybe once I get better I’ll have a story to tell and I need all the details
Then thinking I probably won’t even make it that long
I tell myself I have goals and I need to accomplish them
Goals like starting a family, getting a good job, and buying a house in the future
But half the days I am alive I can’t even get out of bed or take a shower or brush my teeth
Because I am sad
And I am mad
Because I’m just another “bad” statistic
11.2% of 13 to 18 year-olds suffer with a depressive disorder at some point in their lives
8% of female adolescents deal with some sort of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
And 2.8% of teenagers aged 15-16 live with Generalized Anxiety Disorder
I am just another number
Slowly turning into another one of the 123 suicides a day in the United States
I look at my floor and I see the stain that reminds me of when I tried to kill myself for the third time
Just like these marks in my mind that won’t come out
I have left scars on my body that are a daily reminder that I am not good enough
I try to stay positive
I try to tell myself that I am worth it
But when everything is showing me that I’m not, it’s really hard to believe in me
Can’t you see that I bleed love
That is all I am
I give you the love that I cannot give myself
Because I
Am just another sad statistic