Stuck in sadness

I feel the pain deep inside
Buried deep I try to hide behind fake friends
and all the lies
promises with alibis
darkened skies
​​​​and always night no
hellos it's all goodbyes but in the end ive kept one real I really do want to die I'm surprised no one's caught on with the constant talk of suicide pillow soaked with the tears I've cried sorry guys I really tried I wasn't raised to succeed or to believe the end of the12 guage pump is the last thing that I'll ever f****** see screaming of the names of the people I deceived on my hand and knees begging for forgiveness was never a believer but right now I need forgiveness if there really is a God I hope that he forget this but in the end he really just witnessed happiness in the making no more faking no more heartbreaking my suicide death by gun well why the hell not cuz I'm too scared to live but too scared to die I'm living in the dark man turn on the f****** light I'm always f****** alone I wish someone would come by but no one ever does when they don't care if you're alive I know these words cut deep and I'm sorry I couldn't fight no more counting sheep it's time for me to shut my f****** eyes and go to f****** sleep no more worries and dreams of death tonight I guess I'll finally eat before I squeeze this trigger way too tight this is the type of s*** I see at night when I lay in bed alone wishing I was just f****** dead never sleep always awake thinking of my past and all the wrong roads I take trying to figure out this right from wrong but still I live with my mistakes to this day I can't look in the mirror and see my own face every trace every mark every scar that I continue to conceal with long sleeves and ready to die now I'm ready to be set free and ready for my body mind and soul to be released I'm ready to be at peace and for the world to be at ease like why in the hell does this world even need me?!