Surviving

I wake up in the morning wondering if today will be the day,
Will this be the day when there is too much?
Will this be the day that I can’t take it anymore?
Will this be the day when I can’t find the strength to make it home?
No.
No it is not.
No….that is what I tell myself.
Today is the day when things will be better.
I will smile and laugh and when people ask me how I am,
        I will be able to stomach telling them the truth.
Today when I say I’m doing well, I will mean it.
There won’t be a part of me screaming inside, hoping that you notice I’m lying.
A part saying, notice there is something wrong.
This part cries out endlessly for help,
        Endlessly for comfort,
            endlessly waiting for someone to see the truth.
But that doesn’t happen, or at least not as often as it should.
So I fake my way through the day.
    Hoping.
Sometimes holding myself together just barely.
But I do hold myself together.
I make it through the day.
        The Week.
            The month.
Is this what I have to look forward to the rest of my life?
Struggling day after day, being afraid to get close to others, yet wanting to do just that more than anything!
I do not know.
Right now the only thing I can do,
is keep surviving the Day.