Sweet Revenge

I caught my boyfriend in a clinch with my old friend from school.
I didn't let him know I'd seen. I acted really cool.
Then came the text which proved that this was not a one-off thing
Can't wait to c u l8r just confirmed it was a fling.
I didn't make a fuss at all, I didn't let him know
so I could plan some sweet revenge for him and the old crow

I saw him for a week or two before we said goodbye.
I went to see his brand new flat, his coldness made me cry.
Of course he said I'm sorry, so I asked if I could stay
to pull myself together before going on my way.
When finally the miscreant had made his last retreat
I thought that I would make a point of punishing the cheat

I found frozen prawns to hide inside his cushions made of jute
Lemon sorbet for the pockets of his one designer suit
I put ice cubes in the DVD, the CD and the toaster
I super-glued the underside of every kitchen coaster
Put his ipad in the freezer and his mobile in the fridge
His goldfish in the toilet with his treasure and his bridge

I re-arranged his CD's so the cases were all wrong
It would now take him a week or so to find his favourite song
I put red socks inside white socks so his underwear turned pink
I put vodka in his mouthwash to make sure he'd smell of drink
I put stilton on his pillow, kippers underneath his bed
I didn't want him resting when he lay his weary head

I mis-matched all his shirts and ties, they really did look vile
His anal colour coding had annoyed me for a while
I cut one leg off each trouser and one sleeve off every shirt
but still this act of vengeance didn't take away the hurt
so I grabbed a magic marker and was just about to draw
when I head a bit of cranking from a key in the front door

I held my breath as in the hall, a man stood with a case
He looked as if he owned the flat, my mind began to race
and then I noticed photographs of this man, not the other
he was smiling in his mortar with his father and his mother
At first I thought of owning up, but only gasped and gurgled
Hello, my name is Lily and I'm sorry -  you've been burgled