Love on the Internet

I was mingling in a chat room when I met this handsome guy
well he said that he was handsome, surely he wouldn't lie
He taught skiing in the winter and sub-aqua in the summer
He'd been married to an heiress but she left him for a Plumber
He said he was a pilot and played footie for Man U
He worked most nights in his Bistro making aromatic stew

He was driving his Ferrari to his pad in St Tropez
but he had to stop and pick his crop of grapes along the way.
He asked me all about myself, of course I told the truth
I look a lot like Sharon Stone (although more Dr Ruth)
I work for some upmarket mag like OK or Hello
of course it's only cleaning nights, but how was he to know.

I taught yoga at the local gym and swam the channel twice
of course not once in record time, the water was like ice
I had modelled for a year or two but gave it up for lent
I had written a crime novel - well you have to pay the rent
This fantasy romance of mine was going like a treat
and then he went and spoilt it by suggesting we should meet

Of course I panicked big time, but I thought of an excuse
I have a rare condition that has made me a recluse
that coupled with the fact that I still work for MI5
There are several people after me who don't want me alive
It was more for his protection that I couldn't blow my cover
I was going on a mission, so could never meet my lover

It was with regret I read his note "I'm dining with the Queen
she has granted me a Knighthood and naturally I'm keen
I have met another heiress,  her name is simply Janet
She's something big in textiles and she owns a little planet
I think we've lots in common" and a tear came to my eye
as I realised this - the Dear John, was a note to say goodbye.

I didn't waste a lot of time, to minimise my strife
I mingled on the internet - you've only got one life
I met this guy called Colin we had lots of cyber sex
but I caught a little virus so now Colin is my ex
My love life's like a desert now,  but not for long you see
I'll soon be back to dating when I get my new PC.