The moon doesn't always need the sun to shine bright

I no longer feel the pang of guilt
every time your eyes meet mine.
No
I see the way your lip slightly turns up
to hide your smirk when you're telling me you won't hurt me
Your stupid lies no longer make me mad at myself for being crazy,
      as you’d say.
they just remind me how low you really are
how I never allowed myself to notice until now.
 
Your signature odor doesn't comfort me
like it used to
when I fell into your arms
trying to calm my anxiety,
secretly ignoring,
You were the cause of it.
       the emotional abuse told me that was normal
 
I remember when you asked me
if I trusted you with
that girl
and I lied to make you feel better
when actually I was silently screaming
as the flash backs of the way your eyes traveled and your lips explored all those other girls
when I was too focussed on the way your voice sounded as you spoke the words
I love you.
 
Getting ready
 
I practiced
to amp up my smile
the way you amped up your guitar
when you chose to ignore me,
and
before walking into school I questioned
whether you’d want to love me that day or not,
I remember
the way you pushed me into
believing it was my fault
your feelings
for me
differed.
 
I remember the day you stood on the stairs looking at me
with your pond puddle eyes telling me
I wasn’t in love with
you,
and I cried because
I didn’t know what more I could give.
I didn’t know
how else to prove to you that you were my everything.
 
Was I not good enough for you to trust me
or did you just not care enough to notice
the tone in my voice drop when I said
Okay
after your every “I’m fine.”
Then I realised I could give you so much more, the love I had for myself was passed onto you because I thought you deserved it.
 
And I sat there,
every night,
wondering what I was doing wrong
to make you doubt everything so pure.
While you drank and smoked
laughing smugly
embracing all the toxins
as they devour you from the inside out. And I’m amazed that in those nights
you pushed my insecurities higher than you were. Meanwhile for every drop of drink
that burnt your throat,
I was thinking of one more way that I could prove to you
I loved you.
 
And when I said you were disgusting
for all the things you did to me,
it became my fault
you couldn't contain your loyalty.
And then suddenly,
      I was too controlling.
 
I remember the night with the stars
and the moon,
the grass and the cold.
I remember when you looked me in the eyes
and told me the biggest lie.
The whispering of sweet nothings
left butterflies in my tummy,
but now I realise
they were probably just
Warning me.
 
I remember when you promised me the world,
The way you grabbed me
when you promised me you’d change.
The way you rolled your eyes when you promised me you'd stay.
And the way your lips touched my forehead when you promised me you were listening.
 
But now your promises are exposed
as lies and our memories are tainted.
I remember what you did to me
and I remember the way you treated me.
 
I remember this, and now,
I’ll be a butterfly in your stomach,
And a firefly in the moon.