The World's Filthiest Kitchen And Infamous Restaurant

Welcome to the worlds most filthiest kitchen!
Come meet the staff they're always bitching.
There's Sam and Ella,
Who was once a fella.

Meet Septic Stan,
And Nose Picker Dan.
There's Disgusting Dirty Dick,
And his sidekick Rancid Rick.

Our chef Enrico is a spaced out junkie,
Once tried to cook a live howler monkey.
Also food preparer Coughing Fit Freddy,
And cutlery polisher Arse Scratcher Teddy.

Their germs forever mingle hand on hand,
Within the most filthiest kitchen of the land.
Attached to the filthiest kitchen in the land,
Is the infamous restaurant that is on hand.

Where our food is so special it's an acquired taste,
You'll haste home desperately craving toothpaste.
We'll sit you down and treat you like swine,
We'll over charge for your fish tasting wine.

Waiting for your inedible meal an eternity passes,
You grow so old you'll need a stick and glasses.
When at last your lukewarm meal finally descends,
It'll give you severe cramps and perhaps the bends.

They say that green is a most calming colour,
So try our bread rolls they're like no other.
The taste of our steaks will linger on your tongue,
They're so overcooked they give out Miner's Lung.

Our sugary gummi bears will in your colon hibernate,
When angrily awakened beware a frenzied heart rate.
Please try a rat or mouse trapped in batter,
It's dirty pot luck a mere chancing matter.

Perhaps a chipped cup of tea or coffee too,
They taste like strychnine it's up to you.
Please try our wine it's so well refined,
It's extracted from a grubby cat's behind.

Our cracked plates are so dirty they never shine,
So please enjoy your cold meal and so called dine.
And if you argue and refuse to pay your inflated bills,
Meet smiling head waiter Mr Chang and his karate skills.

He is unstoppable a relentless hurting machine,
No bill ever unpaid for he's so heartlessly mean.
So book a greasy table then a hospital bed,
Leave it too late and you'll end up dead.

For diarrhoea is our middle name,
Hygiene to us a mere fool's game.
So unnatural so sick so stomach churning,
Dine with us and your world stops turning.

Unhealthy terminal noxious insalubrious unclean,
Mere words to us we've never heard or seen.
And don't dare forget to tip us well,
For your cruel cuisine served from Hell!

Dedicated to the memories of Hilaire Belloc and Roald Dahl.