Theodore J. Wigglesworth

This here's the story of a jaunty young fellow
His name was Theodore J. Wigglesworth
A distinguished sort of a chappy Theodore was
Who lived in the small town of Perth

Every morning at the very first light of dawn
Mr. Wigglesworth could usually be found
Sitting on Margaret Higginbotham's front porch
Playing the flute and acting the clown

Rumours had it, that Margaret was betrothed
To the jovial Mr. Archibald Clodsmuir
Mr. Clodsmuir was the popular baker in town
Whose reputation was flawless to be sure

So the story goes, young Theodore was driven
To win the hand of the lovely Miss Higginbotham
Even if it would result in a duel to the finish
With Mr. Clodsmuir, to defend his reputation

The gauntlet was thrown and the very next morn
The two stood back to back on a hill
The countdown began as they walked twenty paces
To determine whose blood would be spilled

They both whirled and fired, two shots rang out
Mr. Wigglesworth slumped to the ground
And sadly, Mr. Clodsmuir also succumbed
Then an unearthly silence, not a sound

So as it turned out, Miss Higginbotham never married
As their spirits still court to this day
She sits by their graveside knitting and singing
“You guys sure screwed up, I must say!”