Titty Ho! (an Alternative Tour of Britain - place names in bold))

People Pity Me, think I’m a Crackpot; a Crank;

Lost; Potto; needing a Boot up my Loose Bottom!

But, I don’t Cold Blow my own Trumpet and I’m no Seething,

Nasty, Bulley who’d Box, Dent, Clock Face you in a Knockdown,

Brawl, Wrangle in Triangle, after a night on Beer and Booze!

I’m Friendly; a Hearts’ Delight; not a Horrid Hill!

I’ve a Brill life. I’m never Idle; life’s never Dull;

Amble everywhere and don’t need a Black Car!

Been to, and seen, Noah’s Ark,

Mavis Grind, Wetwang and Wark,

Crawley, Crapstone, Crapham Down,

Wig Wig, Ware, Wheelbarrow Town,

Hen Poo, Snig’s End, Rows of Trees,

Cowslip Green and Old Wives’ Lees;

Mudford Sock and No Man’s Land,

Avoiding Loggerheads when I can!

Our great British Isles – miles of footpaths, smiles and stiles;

Wide Open country. No Messing; no Mucking about!

Halfpenny in pocket, avoiding Plush hotels,

I Clatter, Clink and Pant along the Long Road

Through Dog Village, Dirt Pot, Donkey Town,

Up Bank Top, down Causeway Foot,

Round every Cunning Corner,

From Land’s End to John O’Groats.

Day’s Nup End I Retire, Settle down, to Rest and Be Thankful,

Great Snoring, in the Land of Nod! Titty Ho!