To Further Your Education

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain
Definitely a sales pitch, the stain is quite large
When people tell you how young you're looking lately
They're also telling you how old you are

Okay Scottie, now beam down my clothes, not funny
Think you can get away with that spacey stuff
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Methinks the answer will make you cuss 

Here's a puzzle, why don't women blink during foreplay?
Because they don't really have enough time
Ever heard of a blink of an eye... well there you go
Anything longer is considered overtime

Remember half the people you know are below average
Hmm, good point... feel 50% better now?
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a broken fan belt
Why do psychics ask your name for cryin' out loud

Get a new car for your spouse, it'll really be a great trade
Some of my best friends are other guys' wives
More impressive when others discover your good qualities
Without your help... than having to resort to lies

Jitterbugs are hard to get rid of, but I've got a solution
Stop playing that damn boogie-woogie stuff
Time is the best teacher, too bad it kills all of its students
Maybe we're just not trying hard enough

Those of you that believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
So you in the back, best you go to the loo
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them
Maybe the army should be a little less true

If a mechanic tells you he can't fix your brakes
So he made your horn much louder and how
A man was in a car accident, it made his left side paralyzed
Doc said, "After examination, he'll be all right now"