To Love

I wish I had the childhood I dreamed about
Where I was encouraged to be myself
You would tell me that you loved me even when you didn’t
I wouldn’t have to be afraid to lose you if I messed up
You would hold me when I cried and it was okay to cry
Win or lose, you would give me a big hug
You would hang my painting on the fridge even if it was terrible
But that was all a dream that would never happen
I hardly remember the memories that were good
Grandma was always proud of me unlike you
She was there when you were angry
And when you went on one of your rampages
When you cursed my name because I forgot one detail
I learned from your mistakes 
And when I swore that I would never be like you 
I found myself wanting the love that other people possessed
To learn how to handle losing
To learn how to be okay with making mistakes
To learn how to not cry when me people look me in the eye
Or the chance that I could learn how to contour my face
But I guess that’s okay since I have more than one parent 
Or the fact that he’s not around enough to have a say
Because work matters more than family
And family will always be there, right?
But even though you were the toughest person to please
And you weren’t always in my life when I needed you most
And so many times I wanted to scream and tell you how much you were hurting me
By your hurtful words
Still, as time goes on I can’t focus on the negative things you’ve done to me
Because all I want is to put this behind me and have a normal relationship with you
And when I plan to do this I hope to hear the words that I’ve been dying to hear
But I know you won’t because I don’t think you ever grew up with that type of understanding
Of what it’s like to be compassionate
But I will accept it and I will forgive you 
Because I somehow love you no matter the damage that has been done 
And it’s not just the fact that it’s hard to look you in the face when I make a mistake to look you in the eye and pray that everything will be okay
It’s not because I’m scared of you but of the silence that will come before you unleash a storm 
I Love you no matter the damage.