Too small to swim

There are moments in a child's life 
that begin to make the man.
For me,
I was too small to swim.

Health and safety was strange back then, 
the psychedelic hangover of the 70's.
If I stood on tiptoe in the one metre end 
the water would wash my hair. 
Feet on the ground I could never breathe 
so I was too small to swim. 

So what do they do, 
curriculum orders me to the sports centre, 
to the sports centre I must go. 
The teachers scratch heads 
say "he's too small to swim "
'til one of them says "I know ".
And alone, 
too small to swim, 
they sent me to the weight training room .

Ah, 

The weight training room, mid day in the seventies. 
The hells angels business room.

You know those scenes in westerns, 
the piano stops as the hero enters the saloon? 
Well I did'nt feel like a hero,
the sudden silence felt like doom. 

My heart lurching so high in my chest 
I desperately surveyed the room ,
for a convenient piece of equipment 
that would give me something to do. 

An occupation to keep me from the scary men 
as if shielding by busyness would do. 

I saw this thing with a seat and a plate 
that you obviously pushed with your feet .
I think I know how to use that, I thought 
so that's the one I choose. 

I sat on the seat 
planted my feet 
took a deep breath and I pushed. 
My god it was hard but I raised them. 
All those evil black metal bars. 
Pushed to the reach of my short little legs 
then exhaled and let them go. 

BANG like a gunshot they landed. 

All of the angels said "HEY "

"Hey, little man that's impressive 
but 200 kilos are too much "
The angels then played with the gubbins 
and over the rest of the hour 
with wonderful blokey encouragement 
they had me working until I ached. 

I entered that room too small to swim 
I left about twenty foot tall .