Wake Up

I seem as though I’m awake, going through all the motions
Acting as if I’m not dying inside, struggling to find strength
I act as though I’m happy, carefree, brave, while I can’t help but think my life was a mistake
I put a smile on my face to cover up the pain, trying to ignore the anxiety running through my veins
People whisper about me in the halls, fighting to stand up for myself, but I make everything worse
Trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, struggling to find out my identity, it feels as though I’ve been cursed
“I look in the mirror and I hate what I see,” A common saying for girls around the age of 13
 Is that what people think of me? A girl who’s just going through a phase? No one asks me anymore if I’m okay
I’m not okay, I try to hide it, but what if I don’t want to hide it anymore?
 I’m sad, numb, hurting, I want people to know that this should be concerning
I go home everyday after school, exhausted and numb. I’m laying down thinking about everything I’ve done wrong
Why can’t I change? Be like the girls who have a pretty face? I want everyone to like me, what’s so wrong with that?
No one’s perfect, especially not me, I get told almost everyday I’m an annoying brat
I do everything I can to be kind to everyone, how can people be so blind and listen to the rumors being spread behind my back?
Every morning I wake up and think what am I going to mess up today? I go to school and everything I look at is grey, gloomy, blurry. My emotions are a hurricane why can’t I be happy? Why won’t people let me be happy?
Am I so bratty that no one pays attention to me? Whenever I have a split moment of happiness people come along and gladly take that happiness away
My family cares about me or so they say, I’m just another disappointment, a burden, moneys being wasted on my counseling appointments.
I always hear the same thing, don’t let it bother you, don’t let them win, but how can I ignore something so painful, something that cuts deep, I think about the stupid things I’ve done over and over every day, at night I barely find a chance to get any sleep
All these things are true, I’m not lying, all the time I find myself ending up crying, feeling like one of these days I’ll end up dying, not only on the inside, but slowly on the outside rotting, fading away
Don’t get me wrong I’m not suicidal, my pains just so deep I’m being crushed by all these thoughts running through my head, stabbed by all the comments made at school, why don’t people like me, just because I’m not considered cool?
One of these days I hope to wake up from this dream that is sadly reality, I hope to be free of all the negative energy that shoots right at me, I want to feel again, I’ve become so numb to all this pain, I want to know what it feels like to love again, but I can’t because I’m not awake.