What's It Mean?

What’s it mean
that my favorite place
is where I can be numb?

What’s it mean
that I shut down
when I can’t take anymore?

What’s it mean that I black out
and I don’t remember being me?

What’s it mean that I hear these words
over and over and over and over
until I realize I can’t escape
and my head hurts pounds aches?

What’s it mean that I can’t breathe
when I lay in bed at night
going over every moment
where I went wrong?

What’s it mean when I imagine blood
dripping from my mangled wrists?

What’s it mean when I ache to let go?

What’s it mean when I twist everything
and I turn it all into hate?

What’s it mean when I doubt your sincerity
just because I’m so afraid?

What’s it mean when I cry at night
because I’m so sure that you pity me?

Can I let it go?

Can I ever be free
from that voice in the back of my head
telling me how much I’m hated
and how no one would miss me?

Will the images in my mind

alone
broken
bleeding
aching
choking
dead

Ever go away?

Will I ever be able to breathe
without fear or hurt pulsing in my chest
making it ache as if  I was about to get my wish?

Will I ever be able to be fully here
and be the person you deserve
instead of the person who needs you desperately
and has no idea how to show you?