Why is that

Why is that?

Whatever happened to that child?
The fun-loving energetic bundle of personality that was.
When was the moment it was all taken away from me?
Or when did I choose to give that away?

It is hard to know when there’s been so much pain in my life.
My gut senses my life is not meat to be this way.
Surviving the most brutal storms, each one another struggle.
Where do I fit, where is my place?

Nowhere feels like home, missing a feeling of belonging to something.
Loneliness even surrounded by lots of people why is that?
The love I crave, pushing me to choose the worst type of people,
To show me their version.

I am now so conditioned, to this feeling of the need to fight for survival.
Every minute of my life, struggling to keep up I this rat race they call life.
Why is that?
My ego my best friend and worst enemy. Born to big and plagues my life each day.

Is it bad to want to feel weak, an emotion I have fought against?
Now tired of fighting, not knowing how to be truly happy.
Why is that?

A constant circle of getting nowhere, ending up back in the same place.
The same feelings, same questions searching to answer.
Pushing away people, always expecting I will feel that pain.
Yet chasing that feeling of been the most important person to someone.

So used to been controlled, desperately needing to be loved.
Without it a lost soul, lost in a forest, without a compass or a sense of direction.
to find the way out.

When you give your life to other people, let yourself be moulded.
And there begins that daily fight, fighting to fit that mould you chose.
to fit.
The choices I made, choices that result in me ..myself.
Remaining a tortured soul, unable to stop the feeling of self-loathing.
Why is that?