WINE OH WINE!!!

Got pissed last night, and what a fright
I had when I awoke
A tattoo emblazoned on my arse
Declaring my love for some bloke

Well Fred I don’t know who you were
Never met a Fred before
Tried ringing up my friend to ask
But she’s unconscious on the floor

Why, oh why, did I leave the house?
Never wanted to go out myself
I’d just split up from David
And was lusting over Ralph

But Babs she dragged me in the shower
Said “No men tonight; it’s a ban!!”
So I painted a smile upon my face
And emptied a bottle of tan

With war paint on, and my bag as a shield
We flounced into the pub
Got a few stares from all the punters
Who were shovelling down their grub

Well Babs she was quite daring
With her lurex low cut dress
She heaved her ample bosoms
At the barman to impress

Eyes on stalks he wandered over
Asked her “What’s your favourite tipple?”
Poor Babs she leaned towards him
Giving a flash of her right nipple!

Well the drinks they flowed, we liked a wine
Or maybe three or four
Can’t remember now exactly
When we headed out the door

Staggered to the club downtown
Oh my god, I think I flashed!!
To a passing taxi driver
Jesus, I must have been real smashed!!

The club is a vague memory
More wine, and then a dance
Cavorting round the dancefloor
In a drunken larey trance

The rest, as they say’s history
That’s been stamped across my bum
I’m never drinking wine again
Gonna change my poison to rum!