Yes/No

How do I say no?
It’s such a small word but it’s so heavy,
I know I should tell you no,
 I know I should want to tell you no but I can’t help myself, 
when you kiss me, 
when you hold me, 
when you lead me to the bed,
 my voice hitches and my heart skips because I should say no,
but I say yes because I want to say yes even though I know it’s wrong,
I hold that shame, 
the shame of telling you yes because I know that as soon as you’re done you will be telling HER you love her, 
you’ll tell her you’re sorry that you took so long having a cigarette or that you got carried away on your phone 
and she’ll believe you because you say ‘I love you’ 
when moments ago I felt the warmth of your body against mine, 
the linger of your lips pressed on to mine, the tickle of your touch it sticks in my mind as I sit feeling used, feeling lost and confused…
There was a time where those ‘I love you’s were mine 
and I could see that in your eyes,
 now I see indifference 
and that is only if I’m lucky enough to not be turned around so you don’t have to see me…so you can picture her….
‘S*x is s*x’ you say it means,
nothing to you 
but you know it would mean something to her,
so I must once again I hold on to my shame, 
my shame of being your shame, 
of being your secret,
 so that emotionally she will stay yours and you can stay hers…
so I must stay mine.
Maybe I say yes because it means I get to hold on to the only part of you I can still have, 
maybe it’s why I feel so dirty afterwards because I know I should have said no.
It’s why I use every excuse to touch you…
“Can you help me up” and I leave my hand hover in yours for a moment
“You have a stray hair” as I brush it back cherishing the softness
“theres something In my eye” I say so that you will look into them with something other than indifference 
“Look at this” as I try to hear your heartbeat as you lean in, the way I would listen as I laid on your chest to fall asleep…
it’s not mine to hear now though…so I really should say no…but we both know I’ll always say yes…