Yet to say goodbye

I was standing under the hot shower trying not to think.
But it's just kept flooding me like how the water felt against my face and it was hard to breath.
I'm shivering now.
Honestly shivering in a scorching shower.
Could I tell the truth to myself?
Probably not.
Just another night were attention Is needed but not wanted.
Could I cry?
Would that help?
Probably not since I cried myself to sleep and felt worse the next day.
What is actually wrong with me.
My shivering is getting worse as the temperature rises.
Maybe the only warmness I want comes from your body.
Maybe that was to far.
I shouldn't go that far.
I should stop thinking that way I do.
The tears burn my eyes but the shower helps ease them.
I blame watery eyes on me being tired.
How long will that last until someone suspects?
Wow.
I don't know what else to write.
But I won't say goodbye.
Yet.