A little of my story

Well here I go imma tell a little of my truth.
  So some of you may not know this actually probably all of you don't. But ive been suffering with some pretty bad depression lately. I never talk about suicide because I dont want people to try and make everything all better or to pretend to be my friend. And if I were to talk about it then that's considered a cry out for help. Which I'm not or dont think I am crying out for help. 
   I wont lie yes addiction plays a role in my life, but the drug and alcohol no longer even have an effect on me. No matter how much I could smoke or drink I still feel the same way inside.... Nothing gets numb for even a short period of time. I may smile and show that I'm doing okay and staying strong, but deep down I havent been okay in a long time.....
  Ive been asked so many times whats wrong. And the answer ive always given is nothing im okay. Or something around those lines. Ive been pretending so long to be okay, and I've finally had enough of it. I dont have answer for what makes me feel the way I feel. It could be over my son or my step dad passing away or even how ive watched my family fall apart not from eachother but themselves since he passed away. 
   Or maybe the way I feel is because of the anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness I feel toward myself. I hate some of the decisions ive made because of my habit. I hate that I cant make my familys lives better. I hate that I gave up on my son, I hate that I hate myself. I hate that I just cant seem to get things right in my life. 
     Thinking about all the things I hate I have to remind myself of all the things I love. Like that my stepdad is no longer hurting and is watching over all of my family. My son is with a family that I choose him to be with and they love him, and hes getting the life I couldnt or didnt feel I could give him. I love that my family still continues to stay in contact even when we cant stand one another. No matter what we are only one call away. 
   I also have to remind myself of why I love myself. I love myself for giving my son a life that no matter what hes going to be okay. That he wont have to every worry about being homeless and parents not present.....i also love myself for standing up for what I belive in and what is right. I love myself for always allowing myself no matter how much I got going on in my own life to be there for others. 
  Sometimes through out the day I may get quite and stuck in my head. I know some people cant stand the silence, but sometimes that just what I need. 
 I may not have my life all put together correctly yet, but at least I'm still fighting and trying my best. Some days are rough i can not lie, its in those days that I remember that I am only human and life happens good or bad.
  To be continued........