A Snapshot Inside My Mind

This is a snapshot inside my mind, you see I have been completely single for 3 years, not so much as a kiss - this is the result of going through an abusive relationship, then a battle through court. This all only came to an end when my ex partner was murdered 8 months ago (through no fault or provocation of his own), you would think given the circumstances I would feel relief, closure, maybe even happy, but I don't. I feel sad, I feel like a part of me left with him and I feel no closure whatsoever! This is largely due to the fact we have a beautiful 5 (now 6) year old daughter together, one thing that would tie us to together forever.

Everytime I see friends or family I get asked the same question over and over. "Isn't it about time you found yourself a nice man" and everytime I respond the same. "I don't need a man, I'm happy without one" although I'm not sure if that's completely true. The problem is I can't afford to make any mistakes, I can't risk meeting the wrong guy and bringing him into my daughters life, I see the mental damage it can do when kids have men walking in and out of their lives and I won't do that to my girl. So anyone I meet has to be THE ONE it has to be forever. This is further cemented in my mind by the fact my daughter keeps telling me she wants me to find a man to marry so she can have a new daddy - I simply could not bare to bring a man into her life, she grows to love him as a dad and then it goes sour or doesn't work out and she loses another daddy. 

To add to the complications due to me being a single parent and only working part time, I can't afford a babysitter so if I am not working while she is at school, I have my daughter with me - which makes meeting someone extremely difficult. Add in to the mix I suffer from severe anxiety and meeting someone is starting to seem impossible.

This leads me to one more thing buzzing around my mind. I have wanted another baby for the last 4 years and what with me being nearly 31 I am starting to think time is running thin for me to have another baby. So I have made the somewhat controversial decision to have a baby via sperm donor, i know I am perfectly capable of bringing up a baby alone and it is mine and my daughters dream. I don't want to rush into a relationship just because I want a baby and I would never sleep with a randomer just to get pregnant so to me this seems like a perfect solution - although I have battled with the thought I am being selfish to bring a child up without a dad, but after careful consideration I know I can give a baby everything he or she needs in life. At least this way I can find a man when I feel ready and I would have no need to rush anything as I wouldn't have that ticking clock hanging over my head. 

So that's a snapshot inside my mind for today but that is by no means the extent of the constant overthinking going on inside my brain. So maybe I will check in again, with another Snapshot Inside My Mind