Ask my anything

"What what your addition"? Crystal meth, also know as, Blade, Chalk, Crank, Cristy, Crystal, Glass, Go-Fast, Ice, The Monster. It wasn't my intention to be come addicted to crystal, it's no ones intention to get addicted to drug's. "What made you decide to try crystal?" Unfortunatly i started drugs to try to escape from reality. To fill the emptiness I was feeling. At the time it felt right. My best friend, who passed away 3 years ago, was smoking crystal and I decided "hey, what the fuck do I have to lose" so I took hit, and a few more hits.

"What was your first time smoking like?"

That first, proper hit, blowing out that white cloud...shiiiiit, I felt everything tingle. My eyes got real wide and my mind became so crystal clear. It made everything better - and I was also better at just about everything.

"When you first started using, how did you feel when you was about to run out or if you did run?"

In the begging, it didn't phase me if I was about to run out or if I did run out. I was fine without it. If I had it cool, something to do, if I didn't have it, cool i could catch up on sleep. The first time I tried it I smoked it out of a light bulb. No I wasn't addicted my first time. In the beginning i was only using maybe once or twice a month, if that. Then it turned in to once or twice a week. Before I new it crystal made me her bitch and I was smoking everyday, every chance I got. I smoked it, injected, snorted, swallowed. She gave me a feeling I never felt before. Crystal made my depression disaster, it gave me a sense of happiness and wellbeing, improves concentration, energy and alertness while decreasing appetite and fatigue. any hardcorw meth head will say that meth gives them the ability to do something that you can't without the drug You take a hit, and in an instant countless neurotransmitters are released in the brain, producing a sense of intense euphoria that generally lasts four to eight hours but I would just sit there for hours, sometimes days just hitting the pipe. I was smoking/snoring at least $100 a day. I stole from stores, friends and even my family. As long as I could get my fix in I wasn't worried about who I was hurting. Emotional and spiritual bankruptcy is the best way I can describe it. If done quite a few other drugs over the years since I experienced meth. I thought to myself, "if crystal makes me feel this good, I wonder what this drug will" dobut this was different. When you have a lack of sleep, things  start getting really crazy. After four or five days, stuff becomes twisted. I was psychotic, extremely paranoid, totally unable to stay in one place.

"What happens when you stop smoking?"

Of course, what goes up must come down, which can include a whole host of far less pleasant side effects: jaw-clenching, excessive sweating, nausea, diarrhoea, disturbed sleep patterns, delusions of power, aggression, convulsions, irritability, confusion, hallucinations, anxiety, paranoia, psychosis and so much more.

"What are the withdrawals like, are they like heroin withdrawals?"

I dont think you quite understand the words withdrawal, comedown etc. etc. Meth isn't like heroin in the way it causes addiction.... think of it like super coffee... the way people go to far with coffee and how it can effect them... basically the addiction is kinda similar. even the effects... for some really sensitive people , a really big cup of coffee gets them friggin tweaked... they talk and talk and talk, and sweat, and crash, and then can't sleep.... meth is just like that except now extrapilate that about 10 fold. that doesn't mean meth its not addictive, it is, but it is a powerful psychological addiction that takes hold. . its in your mind really.... once you've had you hand in the cookie jar you just don't want to go through life when you know you can have that amazing feeling with it.

"Say it's your 5the day in"

After smoking for days on end, my body would just give up and I would fall asleep. I'd wake up feeling litterly like death. To avoid these nasties, i would take another hit, each one gradually damaging receptors in my brain until it takes more and more crystal to have any effect, with comedowns lasting longer and longer.

"What was it like to stay up for a week?"

After a week binge.... you are going to feel really icky , stressed, eyes are hurting... suddenly you can crash, and pass out (no matter where you are) and when you wake up you feel extremely depressed.... *This is why meth causes abnormal drug seeking behaviour.... at this stage I attempt to do more crystal to maintain a high or feel better... other users such as myself would've sought out other drugs such as downers (benzos) or opiates or marijuana to relieve the horrible crash... The mixing of these other drugs can actually re-ignite that initial meth high for a bit. This is called Polydrug usage.

"why did you continue to do it, why didn't you stop when you had the chance"?

The depression and lethargy is what gets to me. Just lying there thinking of what a loser and a fuckup you are while feeling worn out is not pleasant.. This is part of the reason I'd do meth constantly back in the day, just to avoid these feelings.

"Is there a physical component with meth abuse?"

Oh yes, there is definitely a big physical component with meth abuse. The drug's effect on your dopamine receptors, for example...basically dulling your ability to feel pleasure without the drug. The depression resulting from hardcore methamphetamine abuse has been known to persist for six months, and probably even longer than that in some cases...some people never seem to recover from the detrimental effect that meth addiction had on their mind. Plus yeah, when you've been going hard on the shard and then suddenly stop, it feels like you have 0 energy to do ANYTHING, except lay in bed maybe.

"How addictive is crystal?" Because of the significant brain changes from Crystal, once someone becomes dependent on it, they often find it very difficult to get off.

"How bad would it have to get for you to quit?"

When I am dead - was a very common response. Sometimes the light can go on in an instant, and sometimes you need a new light bulb, new wiring, find a source of electricity... and then the right person, place, thing, or event to hit the switch—and pray for the best.

".What made you decide to quit crystal"?

(I have two parts for this)

1). I quit for a combination of reasons. Everything came togather conspiring to get me clean. My niece are one of biggest reasons why I wantsd to quit. They are my world, I wouldn't want them going through is. More and more people were getting busted and I didn't want to miss out on my nieces lives, or for them to be told that they won't be seeing there aunt no more. I wanted to get clean because I didn't want to have to put my mother through the pain and heartbreak of having to put her baby girl 6 feet in the ground. I was also spending soooooooo much money. I was ready to be clean because i saw what using was doing to my life, plus half the hookups I knew were in jail or they quit, and I was getting tired of the dope game.

2) I knew there was a problem the first time I tried to quit. I had been doing it a few months, on the weekends mostly but a little during the week, you know, to get going. Like a meth alarm clock, wake up feeling dead, drag yourself to the bathroom and do a line, stumble back to bed. Wake up 15 minutes later refreshed and ready to start the day! Anyhow I thought well, this iREFRTTING  to be a pain in the ass, I dont think I am going to get any more of it. How hard could it be, I mean, when I get tired eating something I just wouldn't eat it no more,..well it was different and within a short time I was getting more...I said I COULD have quit, easily, but I just didn't WANT to yet so why should I.... that was a lie. I have seen some shit a person my age should never see, done some shit a person my age shouldnt ever do...I never fucked anyone for it, never cheated...but when one day I realized that if it ever came down to it, I WOULD...that kind of hit me hard.

"What was the end like, when your meth days came to an end"

( two parts )

1) I didn't quit cold turcky. I slowly, slowwwlyyy pushed it away from me. At some point in the journey I made it almost a year and a half months sober, a year and a half with out a crumb of crystal. When I thought I was done with it for good, my uncle Danny who raised me and my sisters, saved me and my sister from being homeless or being put in DHS passed away, I lost my best friend, i lost apart of my self. At that time I was living with my boyfriend, I snuck out, bought a bunch of drugs and did them all: coke, pills, meth, heroin, what ever I could get my hands on. all this crazy stuff. I wound up at a park where I went into the bathroom because I felt like I was going to die, and deep down I didn't care if I did, That’s when I caught my reflection in the mirror and nearly jumped out of my skin. My eyes were sunken in, I was black and blue, I had cuts all over…I didn’t recognize myself. I literally thought it was someone else in the bathroom with me, I was terrified—I thought it was a monster. I dropped to my knees and started screaming and balling so hard I was throwing up. I was so ashamed of myself. My uncle would of beat the hell of out me if he would of saw me like that. I felt him in that bathroom with me. I felt him lift me up,like he always did.

2) it's been almost a year and a half since he pasted away. I try to focus clearly on my journey at the moment. I’ve had a few relapses and used to beat myself up about it but now I realise I’m only human. After all saints have got pasts and sinners have got a future! It was important for me to change my acquaintances. Now I’m only interested in people with positive mental attitudes, people with a good take on life; after all, they say ‘ like attracts like.’ I'm proud for how far I have come over the years. There will always be someone looking down on you for the choices you have made. But your addiction does not define you. You are defined by the person you are choosing to be.  You are not your addiction but a better person as a result of it.  You are stronger. You will be smarter. You will value and appreciate things at a level greater than most because you know the reality of losing things and people. You know the reality of losing yourself. You know what the world looks like from rock bottom. But you also know how to bounce back from the depths of hell and say I refuse to stay here.  Recovery happens gradually, day by day, step by step. But every moment of it is worthwhile "Are you scared of recovering?" One would think the hardest part about being a recovered drug addict are the drugs and that temptation to relapse. But you know that life, after your addiction, is hard too.   It almost feels like a part of you died, in a way, and not the part where you were an addict. The person you were before your addiction no longer exists to others. You became defined by something you’ve recovered from. But in the eyes of everyone, they see you as an addict first and person second.