Awakened

Part 1: 
  I am continually recalling of the song "Love is here" by Tenth Avenue North. The song I constantly preferred my way of life was. I am broken and shamed and the specific thing I seek for in life is God's love, I ultimately discovered it. 

My early years are mainly a blur and I am so grateful for that because the memories I do have are gruesome. According to a giant heap of my adoption papers I have experienced a nightmare. I was starved, mentally, physically and physiologically abused. I had nobody. I was locked in a room for days with my siblings. If I had the opportunity right now, I'd read through those reports with my husband Joshua and look at precisely what took place so I could treat it.

My biological parents Nathan and Lilli Smith. I know for a fact that Nathan is in prison for his crimes, however I believe that he recently just got out. It scares me to realize that, I want to hide myself. I, myself having a daughter and I cannot imagine doing anything to harm her. So why did they abuse me? I think about that question all the time. Why me? Am I an awful kid? What was it? I suppose I'll never know unless I reach them which will NEVER happen in my conclusion. 

I am not altogether certain when, but the government took all of us kids away and put us through the foster care system which wasn't awesome in itself. The family I got sent to feed me and took care of me physically, but failed in other ways. They were mean and spiteful when I didn't do something right. And I was scared that if I messed up enough, I'll go back to my biological parents or be separated my siblings. That scared the hell out of me, so I sought to be the perfect child. 

When I was five, I was officially adopted by my parents now; Ann and Phill Strath. They had one biological child named Clayton. I was beyond happy to see my new family that I could call my own and finally be home, but that was not the case. 

My first few months there with my new family was overwhelming and stressful. me not knowing anyone and just learning. I had loving Grandparents on my moms side. Louis and Ann Ford. I also had a grandmother on my fathers side. I only met her twice because she died when I turned seventeen. And the fact that she lived on the other side of the country didn't work. But that's another adventure for later. 

My grandparents lived in Renton, Wa at the time of my adoption and I remember visiting them frequently. They loved to dote on my little sister Shannon and I. We were new to the family. The family I thought was going to be perfect loving and kind, my new beginning. their house was a little one story manufactured home with their own touch. I loved the old 1912 Upright grand piano they had, I never saw anything like it and since then I've always wished to learn the piano. It was my dream. 

On the opposite wall of the piano they had a giant brick fireplace, which I always thought was so beautiful as well. Shannon and I often shared everything, but we didn't mind. coming from a background where we had nothing we loved everything. My favorite memories from that house was the peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate milk, puzzles and that really long driveway with our little play house our grandpa built for us. It was pink and purple. But no matter what I was grateful. 

My life was just beginning to look like a fairytale when it all started.. again. 

I wished I still had my diary from when I was younger, it would have the dates and times to when everything started. Where is it now? I had to burn it. I was so scared that my mom would find it and wouldn't want me anymore. I was scared to lose yet another family, to be sent away if I got caught. I didn't do anything wrong by writing down what happened, however it could have been used as evidence if I choose to act when I turned eighteen. That's what my mom was worried about I guess. She knew what happened and so did everyone else in my family, but they chose to cover it up because they didn't want Colton to go to juvenile jail. 

It couldn't have been more than six months when it started, mom and dad both thought Colton was old enough to babysit when they would leave for stuff. dates, church meetings and stuff. Colton was eleven or twelve at the time. 

I try to block out as much of it as possible and I have succeeded. however like always, something stays. well here it goes. at times my mom left during the day and dad was at work, Colton would devour all the sweets in the household, in front of Shannon and I. He knew for a fact that mom wouldn't let us eat any sugar and that we had a starvation background and that was his advantage to get what he demanded. Sex.