contemplating suicide

I don't want to die,but at the same time enjoying my life seems nearly impossible. I wake up every morning after sleeping for only 4 hours and feel more or less rested,go to work seeing some of my friends.,
I tried drugs,I really began to like weed and lsd,lsd was alot of fun, but ultimatly" I had to choose living and progressing through life or being that which I despised.I have a curiosity that would make your average person dizzy even as I sleep my mind is buzzing with so many questions,while other struggle every day to find love I fumble over all the why's I see how completly different I am from so many people, but at the same time how I relate to each and every one I come across.I take pride in the fact I can make anyone laugh,yet the entire time my face is almost like stone. THe questions in my mind are so boundless,I go through psychiatrist like tp so far iv had 7 the last one was ok,but did not answer any of my questions,I have friends but I feel like around them im holding back,to keep them from getting burned. I work like any other person who wishes to have a social life past 20. I still feel caged,ike my potential is for so much more,I looked into pseudo science and made friends with people who believe in magic,hoping to maybe find more answers. yet still there is nothing iv dumbfounded geniuses and people who believe themselfs to be warlocks alike with my questions and unique way of viewing the world,iv accepted that I am a genius,and a weirdo,as well as a philosopher. I I give myself mental challenges just to prevent myself from falling asleep at work,I go as far as to predict what a certain person will say in response to a inquiry I ask,then give myself points based on how accurate my predictions are. I am broke,not from being lazy or for lack of trying but because my questions have taken me to places and put me in situations that have drained my wallet,and yet still I have more questions.I need answers,but they are not there,I feel like I am a giant standing on a tiny world,and I want to live, I want to keep searching for those answers,I want to teach and suround myself with people who also havethis boundless craving for knowlege,Iiv lived,loved,lost,cried and felt fear.at one point I took 11 hits of lsd and shrugged it off like it was nothing while others were screaming and moaning I was creating my own mental universe.I control my own subconciousness and it works hand and hand with my own mind,yet at times I feel like I am nothing,like absolutely nothing I do will ever change anything I do in life,sure I can help and motivate people one at a time,break them and remold them into something stronger. would death help? I trying to look at everything from a logical perspective. I get a job and ill go up to the bosses and show them a more effecient way of doing something and they give me an excuse like thats just not how things are done,well why? why choose something more difficult just because it has been done that way longer.I like to watch movies and read books,though lately our societys overall opinion based on movies is that we should all run around screaming with our heads cut off and start butchering one another,but books seems to suggest that swe should love and stop having kids,why is the person who is the loudest rewarded the most reguardless of the crap they spew out. while the logicalminded ones are shunned and pushed away because they didnt scream be good enough times.
I still have so many questions,im litterally tempted to just die,and watch it all unfold from afar,but I know it would never be so simple.I tried going to college and getting a masters but I was raised poor,and I was broken for such a long time,I sit here only wishing to improve on myself,but im stuck,scholarships are meant for people just out of high school it seems,and I havnt been able to finish my books because my lap top has still remained broken. What am I do do? while the world goes increasingly mad,and while I want to help,I want to build and to cure. yet here I am trapped in a purgatory of my lifes own creation,I do not wish to sit around trapped in place,I want to be heard. I feel like I have to be,and if I cant what is the point of living if I cannot be everything I wish to fight to be?