From pavilion to Parkinson's

   INTRODUCTION I can never remember not being afraid as a child, to us it was normal, we thought everyone’s dad was violent like ours, until we went to school. According to my mum, the first time my dad really slapped me hard, after losing his temper I was 6 weeks old and was messing about with my bottle. Knowing what I know now I am surprised, he didn’t cause any brain damage or worse. My mum said I never cried after that when he was at home, so even at 6 weeks old, I knew when it was safe and when it was not. To be honest, there are lots of gaps in my childhood memories, I have been told it is normal for the brain to suppress such memories. I have been offered help to open these up, but as my brother, who unfortunately for him remembers every minute, has told me what I forget, I don’t think I will ever be ready to recall everything and cope. Sometimes odd memories come back with such clarity, they are very upsetting. The most recent one, was just after my brother got married and we were at my cousin’s birthday party. She is 13 years older than me and I she was talking about how she and her husband met, all those years ago and how different it is now.  I was a bridesmaid when they got married, only 5 years old, I remember a lot of people repeatedly say smile, smile and I can remember holding my breath, as I didn’t know how to smile. Imagine 5 and not knowing what a smile was. I did manage to take one photo where I looked happy, but my poor brother looks terrified. Smiles were few and far between until I was 13 and my brother was 10. When we eventually escaped we were homeless for a couple of months, sofa surfing, always split up as no one we knew could accommodate all of us together. So my mum and my brother went together and I went with my aunt – who lived with us after my little grandma passed away, as she was epileptic and never married – in those days epilepsy was view very differently to today. My mum tried to get us a house, but in those days it was very different, she didn’t have custody for a start and as her name was still on the house she shared with my dad and he had not been paying the rent and was in arears, they wouldn’t even consider it. Fortunately my aunt already had her name down and eventually she got a 2 bedroomed one and we moved in with her. I remember a long time after we’d left my dad, myself and my brother were coming out of the school gates to walk home and we heard a man’s voice shouting our name, as my dad had spent months trying to locate us, we grabbed each other’s hand and just ran for our lives. It wasn’t him it was our uncle John (my mum had 2 sister’s Do-do (John’s wife) and Gladys) he realised we had assumed it was out dad and he felt awful bless him. He’s just seen us walking and thought he’d offer us a lift, an innocent thing to do, little did anyone realise the damage that had been done.  We both felt our real childhood began when we left and although we had nothing materialistically, we didn’t care because we had peace, happiness and a life without fear.

Long ago far away
Another time another day
It was November 1961
A memory you'd recall about days long gone
I weep for the pain you suffered alone 
The grief you must have felt all on your own
No one there, no one to share Just a violent drunk husband, totally unable to care
After 10 years of longing and waiting 
And a further 9 months of praying and anticipating
Hours before you were due to give birth
A callus slip by a stupid nurse. Made you realise, made you aware 
The baby you'd carried, loved and cared
Was dead inside you after an awful beating 
The daughter you'd named Madeleine 
You now wouldn't be meeting To go through labour and suffer so much 
To give birth to a daughter you'd never hold or touch
You pick yourself up 
Got on with life once more
Some good news at last
Another child was to be born
But then once again in
November 1962
Another severe beating just before the baby was due 
Damaged his heart, and although born alive
No matter how long or a hard your son tried
He was never going to live the damage to severe
Kevin held on for 2 days 
Then he too wasn't there
How did you cope how did you manage to go on 
I admired you so much Mum, for being so strong
Then once again in
November 1963
Not a smile, no happiness
Would you allow your self to feel
Because beating upon beating
There was no let up this time 
There was no way this baby
Would be born alive and be fine.
But this child was strong and she was determined to prove you wrong
After a difficult 9 month
Then yes you've guessed it
I came along
Right from the start, before I was even born
She's been here before, the midwife did warn
There was a look in my eyes A  defiance that refused to cry
No matter how hard or long that evil man tried 
Then 3 years a son, another one lived
And strength to his sister
He would always manage to give 
Stories we were told, now long long ago 
Only as an adult I could appreciate and know
The pain you must have suffered
and the tears you must have wept
About the memories and the pain that never left you
and the deaths you'd always regret
Events that happened a long long time ago 
Far far away
A pain mum only you could ever know
To our sister and brother in heaven up above 
You've waited so long for our mum's embrace and her love
Cherish and look after her
Tell her we miss her so much
We miss her character and her jokes
And that golden Midas touch Without her our lives will never be the same
Good night and God bless till we all meet again