I Found God

You found me by The Fray - "lost an insecure. You found me. Lying on the floor. Surround me. Why'd You have to wait? Where were You? Just a little late. You found me" I've always loved this song but now it has a different meaning for me. 

Last night i cried. I couldn't escape my thoughts. My guilt. My disgust. My regret. I just wanted to pull the covers of my bed over my head and hide from it all...but it doesn't work that way. You can't escape your thoughts. All these emotions swirled around inside of me and the presure kept building up. The tears came easy. As if out of nowhere. That's when i prayed. 
I said that i am so sorry. I'm sorry that i forgot about God and that i went away from Him. I'm sorry for what I did. Those things i can never get back or undo. I want to. I really, really want to. The thoughts make me sick. I don't want to remember. But i do. I prayed and said that i'm sorry. I prayed and asked God to help me.
This morning i came across that song. It suddenly meant so much more to me than it did before. I was definitely lost. God found me. What i did and what was done to me left me insecure. It left me so insecure. And afraid. Afraid that i'll never be able to let someone in again. But God found me. I ran away and ended up on the floor. The cold and hard floor. Broken. Hurt. Hopeless. Just lying on an empty floor. Alone. But God found me. He picked me up. He took me back. I am surrounded by His Grace. I'm back in his arms. I'm saved. But i still did all those things. They will never go away.
He showed me the way out. He made it clear. But why only now? Why did He wait? Why couldn't He have shown me before i did those things? I was lost and confused but i still prayed. I prayed for a way out. I didn't know what to do and i prayed asking for help. Where was He? Why couldn't He stop me? Maybe He tried to...and i just didn't listen.
Just a little late. My prayers were answered and God did find me. But what's done is done. I can never take it back. I have to carry it around with me now. God finally found me. But i already did all those things.
Just a little late.

But it was my own fault. God didn't lose me. I lost Him. I ran away. I chose to do the things i did. I didn't listen. I didn't want to listen. I blocked my own ears. He gave me answers but i idn't want to take them. I think He did leave. He was always there but at the same time He wasn't. Because i didn't let Him be there. I let all these things happen to me but i didn't let Him help me. He had to leave me alone, i had to be alone to realise that i don't want to be.
He went outside but stayed right by the door. So that when i call for Him again (and mean it this time...prepared to listen) He would come in immediatly and pick me up again. He never lost me. He always knew where i was. He watched over me. He waited for me to realise He's still there. For me to open my eyes. For me to listen. For me to find Him. For me to let Him in.
I was lost and insecure. I was lying on the floor. I wasn't there. I was just a little late.
But i found God.