Its Always Too Late

The ten months we've known each other have been anything but normal. We fell for each other hard, but kept it to ourselves, our beautiful little secret. I didn't realize how you felt until that night. I will always remember that endless drive to take your drunken self to your destination. "I love you" is burned into my brain and its your voice I hear and, I honestly thought you had given up on loving me. I truly believed that both of us had moved on from our fight of tainted love. " I really really really don't want you to leave. Please stay, I want you so bad. I  fucking love you and you know it. You've known this whole time haven't you?" Yes I did know, but it was an undecided kind of know. I know you love me, I just didn't think your love was so deep that you decided to drunkenly poured your heart out to me. I just wish you had done it at the right time.I wish a lot of things and of course wishes never really come true in my case. My life is nothing but wishful thinking and bad timing. I wanted to stay, I really did, but I couldn't and I know you wouldn't understand. I thought I had moved on from you, but you have me locked down, like your bike chained to a steel rack. Everything just happened at once and I wasn't ready for it. You tell me that we are forever. You're just not ready. I'll always have that in mind. I don't know if I'm ready and too afraid to give you everything, or if I'm not ready because I made decisions already. I can't apologize enough to you. I never imagined having someone like you in my life and try to describe it but sometimes I struggle so hard to get the words out. That's a weakness of mine. You practically display is soliloquy of love to me and I couldn't say anything in return. I couldn't even show emotion. I just can't. Only in my writing can you know how I truly feel about you. That's why I'm writing this now. I can't find the words to say when I speak. It's so hard to do. I can't just say all of this to your face at once and it has taken me time to find these words in my brain but again, my life is nothing but bad timing. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I don't ever want to stop loving you because I know in my heart and soul that it is the most real thing in my life. I know it scares you that I get you. I know that you are angry because I walked away, but in truth, I never did walk away, and I don't think I ever can. I didn't walk away, I'm just hopelessly wondering about trying to find answers. I can see myself loving you perfectly. But I don't know when that time will come. I just know it will. It's like waiting for a shooting star. You know there will be one, so you patiently wait and stare at the sky. You don't know where and when it's going to happen, but it will. Please. Just understand that I am lost right now and eventually I will find my way back and when I do, it will be to you. We are forever.