New year's insanity

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I kind of got cornered, into going to church on New Year’s Eve. Me and church are kind of like Satan and holy water, it's not that I don't believe in God, or against prayer, it’s more like I feel anal rapeage upon entering the precipice that is a church, well any who the R.A. kind of made a deal with me if she could get my phone back I'd go to her church from 9 pm until midnight(twist my arm)needless to say in less than a minute she got my phone back, so if I want her to actually do her job, all I have to do is say in a dreary voice, I guess I'll go to church, because that women moved faster than I’ve ever seen any women ever move, and that's saying something.

My main problem with going to church is people go and scream amen, praise the lord then they leave and talk about how white/black people are stupid or say something along the lines of, can't wait to get me some crack! woo hoo.

It's insulting to say the least I just choose not to be part of that fraudulent environment.

So on the way to the church one of the car members whose name will be changed for his own sake, let's say it was Steve, was freaking blasted on weed, not just any weed I mean Jamaican, he was smiling and squinting, telling everybody he loved them, and our R.A. was just playing along, saying I love you too ...Steve.... then another person in the car a female let’s say her name was shi thead well shi head had a yeast infection, and was also blasted out of her mind(why aren’t I blasted?) so with it went all human dignity, she kept scratching herself and the more she scratched the worst the smell got, so we are all gagging everybody is hi except for me the gay guy and our R.A. so the whole car smells like grody and weed, then breath mints start to get passed around, shi thead takes a whole hand full in some delusional hope that if her breath smells super minty her twat won’t be so bad........it doesn’t work if anything it kind of mixes in the wrong way, like if you brush your teeth then eat a orange, only it's not an orange it's a dirty twat.

So I'm trying not to vomit, and as we drive there’s gun shots out the window ....Steve.....yells drive by!! woo hoo, yea! and .....shi thead......screams yea baby you tell  em! She scratched herself so much she's actually getting aroused. wtf does this school find these people, I’ve been known to smoke weed but my God control yourselves people.

So finally we get to the church, I'm so stressed out and about to throw up from the smell I have to have a cigarette.

I smoke as fast as I can as we walk to the entrance trying to make that Marlboro flavor coat my esophagus and lungs, these people have serious problems(there’s still two more people)so we get into the church, mind you I have not willingly been inside a church service in 5 years. So we get in sit down, and the service hasn’t started even though we are a half hour late.

Our R.A. keeps apologizing to us for us having to wait, and a 18 year old we will call her.....Tinkerbelle because she’s 18 and acts like a 4 year old she starts crying saying her boyfriend hates her he’s going to leave her because she wanted to go to church on new year’s eve, instead of get wasted and probably have sex with him so she’s crying crying whining crying and this gets the attention of the pastor who decides to start off the service trying to exorcise demons from her. She tries to get everyone to put their hands on her and expel her inner demons, and when I refuse because I call bull shit the pastor says I am allowing Satan to rule my life. Meanwhile she’s getting all Baptist on the girl screaming YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE!!!! IN THE POWER OF THE LORD!!! BELIEVE, BELIEVE, LET JESUS INSIDE YOU!!! YOU, YOU, YOU HAVE TO POWER TO FIGHT SATAN, HALLAUIA, almighty lord expel the demons from this bright girl, did I mention this girl is a tramp and has had bisexual sex with shi thead and some other guy who I don’t know so she starts getting hot and bothered while being exorcised and she too starts scratching herself while the exorcism is going on, I can't leave. I know this is all complete BS and she wouldn’t have this problem if she didn’t sleep around, so like 3 people and shaking their tongues at her and the other people are rolling their eyes in the back of their head, the gay guy thinks it’s a game and is shouting AMEN AMEN PRAISE THE LORD HAHAHAHAHAH and our R.A. keeps asking me if I'm uncomfortable.......fuck yes but I can't say this because it's a church so I settle for no I'm fine. So finally the actual service starts, and it's a typical African Baptist service with amens and loud music and the mike gets passed around like an overused lollypop on a kids play ground. And they start asking people to do devotionals which is kind of like joys and concerns. They keep trying to make me say something. Now I don't want my class mates to know anything about my life, so I say I'm satisfied with the lord, and they act insulted, anyway they move on and then Tinkerbelle gets up to start dancing from the song, well her yeast infection that she got from shi thead has gotten worse since the service has started, that or many other women in the audience also have yeast infections among other things. Because as she starts dancing the nasty twat smell starts getting worse and filling my nostrils and my eyes tear up, the pastor thinks the spirit of the lord in in me so she runs over to me and hands me the mike and says praise him brother praise him, and I'm already screaming oh god oh god because I'm about to throw up and the odor is so strong it stings my eyes.  I can only manage to say oh god because if I say anything else the 4 year old in the row in front of me is going to hear your twat smells like shit and play dough. So I'm crying and screaming oh God, the priest is loving it. Our R.A. is clapping thinking it's a blessed day that she brought somebody back to Christ. It goes on like this for 2 hours only, the smell gets worse and I eventually am on my knees in tears cross eyed with people trying to exorcise me, they think my screaming is the demons coming out but really I just want them to get the fuck off me because they all have yeast infection and smell grody. Eventually I lose the ability for my eyes to produce any more tears and the congregation kind of just accepts that I’m staying possessed(fucking weirdoes)also they took so long trying to exorcise me that eventually they almost missed the countdown to new year’s luckily they stopped for it. As soon as the service was over I ran out of the building like a prostitute having her first facial. I ran out crying like a sissy girl flailing my hands I could not inhale that iron infused musty Cincinnati air fast enough. Anything was better than the smell I was accosted by inside that building. I need another cigarette I told myself God help me, so I hate to be cleshay but they served fried chicken and sweet potato pie afterword’s and everyone wanted to know who I was I was polite as I possibly could be with everyone touching my face, and saying thanks be to god this young man’s soul has been saved. This old guy kept slapping my shoulder so hard it knocked me forward usually whenever I was about to take another sip of water. The night was not over I still had to get back into the car, God help me. So the one girl shi thead who is bi decides to ignore the fact the one guy is gay, and starts bumping and grinding on him only somehow he’s suddenly high too, he must be drunk from inhaling all the vaginal yeast(these people are disgusting)he starts singing a song about I aint never gonna get up for you baby! And she keeps shouting wanna bet wanna bet, I kind of zone off and go comatose just so I don’t shoot anyone on the car ride home, it seemed every block we drove by people were firing guns into the air, fucking retards. Finally we get back I head up to my dorm room and fall asleep, until Tinkerbelle opens my door and the gay guy comes in and start trying to have a party in my room, I lose it screaming like I want to murder somebody, I pick up my lighter chuck it at one of them it explodes Tinkerbelle starts crying and the gay guy starts screaming aaaahhhhhhh, they both run out then I have to explain to our R.A. why I threw a fire ball of death at somebody with my magical witch powers(because they are idiots and actually believe in witchcraft)I don’t get in trouble because females are not supposed to be on dorms and I’m not supposed to have visitors, so the R.A. tries to put the blame off on me  saying why would I invite people in my room I try to explain I didn’t so he leaves it with next time lock your room, I coldly say do your fucking job and go back to my room.

It’s a wonder I’m not insane.