Numbing Fear

I survived an abusive relationship for 10 years. Most of my relationship with Joe is a blur it was the most painful destructive time of my life so I have blocked out a lot. I will tell you what I remember as it comes to me. It seems pretty much immediately after I moved in with Joe my life dived into a downward spiral and Joe's jealousy seem to fuel most of the drama and devastation. I was stuck with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. My options were to play Joe's game or lose my son. I tried numerous times to get housing. I sat in the welfare office for 6 to 8 hours a day with my aggitated little boy begging for housing or shelter The homeless coordinator finally said to me "Look you're white, able to work and only have one child. You will never get housing". The sad truth is. I never did. I lived in my car at least 5 to 10 times for more than 24 Hours with my son in the 10+ years I was a prisoner to Joe. The hopelessness, the abuse and the torture became what I felt I deserved. Everyone in my life look the other way. No one could give a shit less if my son and I disappeared off the face of the earth and even though Joe was obsessive abusive controlling and destroyed any glimpse of self-worth I may of had, at the time he was the only one willing to give a shit about me and my son came with the deal. Joe was never a father to my son he only cared about drugs sex and controlling me. Joe instilled fear in all of us including his mother and younger brother. Joe was mean to me in front of my son and would blame me for his anger towards me causing tension forcing me to agree and cower to him in order for my son to be spared the psychotic reasonings and episodes which later proved weak because close to the end right or wrong my son would side with Joe and begged me to obey him in order to keep the peace. My son was starting to believe that I was the cause of all of the misery in our lives because that was how Joe viewed it and would manipulate everyone in his path to see it his way. It baffles me how deeply I was brainwashed to perceived social behavior through Joe s eyes resulting in my learned behavior through fear And to convince others that his concerns to have validation. It sickens me to look back at the abuse I endured so often, so alone and how the fuck I dug my way out of it and to this point trying to file it ,explain ,share and relive the nightmare. My stomach is actually turning with the thought of admitting the torture and the sickness of it all. I worry that there is no possible vocabulary useful to describe what it was or how it felt and explain the reality of it all through my eyes, the abused, the defeated, the desperate, the broken. The damage is real and cannot be undone so I fear I may paint this picture through Joe's eyes instead of my own and maybe the only way I know how. I lost myself quickly when I was with Joe. I was forced to break down to survival skills. The only reason I lived another day was because of my son. My life became numb and all I did was what I was told and try to prove my love to Joe who held the key to my sons basic needs. I became the numbness and toughest of mental control and sponge of mental, emotional and physical abuse possible by the extreme of it all. I was abused and mentally tortured If I was to disobey or if I happen not to understand Joes psychotic episode and cower to his delusions. I couldn't hold a job very long without someone being concerned about how I was treated, my apparent abused behavior and mannerisms. I started to believe I was the worthless trash that no one would ever love that Joe manipulated me to believe. I wasn't allowed to go out. I wasn't allowed to have friends. I wasn't allowed to talk to men. I wasn't allowed to wear make up. I wasn't allowed to do anything. Joe knew where I was at all times and if I took to long to bring him lunch or pick up from work I was accused of cheating and interrogated to the point I would shake uncontrollably. I was constantly defending myself and if I stuttered once Joe viewed this as admission of guilt. He constantly degraded me and called me names. Joe would voice how bad he felt for my son because of how horrible of a whore loser mother I was and how my som would be better off if I were dead because I was worthless scum who is ruining his life and his future. He would say this over and over again until I begged cried and became catatonic with shame and didn't care if I lived or died. He did all of this in front of my son. Mentally tormenting me over and over until unbearable. My son was even too afraid to cry he would just listen and beg me to agree with Joe. I never cared what Joe did to me or said to me but he knew my only reason to live another day was my son and he used that to torture me. Joe was determined to mold my son into hating degrading resenting and abusing me for the rest of my life and he was succeeding. I fought Joe as much as I could only to show and teach my son right from wrong but how do you untwist something so twisted that you can't escape. Joe would strangle me spit in my face hold me down pull my hair thow things at me smash my stuff rip my clothes he would make me wake my son up because he was kicking me out and wouldn't let me take any of my things screaming at me and then he wouldn't let me leave it was hell. Joe was mean to my son. When Joe drank or do drugs he would almost instantly become the psycho paranoid delusional prick. My son said to me one day mom I don't like it when Joe sleepwalks and my son would tell my mother that Joe was mean to us when he was sleepwalking or if I was telling somebody a story my son would say yeah but Joe was sleepwalking or mom stop making Joe sleepwalk. It literally baffles me how much abuse i endured to be manipulated into thinking it was in some sick way love. I guess if you never knew what love was or felt like you can believe anything. To this day I put other people's needs before my own and have to force myself to stop and think what it is I want or feel and it's still not important to me. I've been letting people Walk all over me my entire adult life and I continue to do so. I still talk to Joe every now and again when he puts the pipe down for a day or two and In my damaged head even when he verbally abuses me to this day I just dismiss it as if because I know he may be paranoid schizophrenic I give him an excuse to be abusive. I even semi forgive him for all that he's done to me it is sick I know but when you have shit to hold onto you just hold onto that shit because it is all you have. No matter how badly I was treated I always believed it was better than being alone and feeling unloved. I had to hit rock bottom almost dead in a hospital bed alone to find my soul and get away from Joe. I didnt want to live that way anymore and my son deserved better . I walked away from Joe eight years ago and never went back.