Savoir

A long time ago, I gave up my soul. A useless thing, I thought back then.
 
Now? Now I know differently. As years go by and become forgotten, one does not realize the impact one’s actions have on one’s future events. Now if I had the knowledge I have now, back then, I would not be having this conversation with you...now, would I?
 
Well...back to my soulless existence, that now only bothers me.

To love and be loved one needs a soul. I believed I did not have one, so hence I could not love or be loved. Now…I have someone who loves me. A young woman of eighteen, leaving school today for the last time.

Let me tell you, I was no saint when I was in school and just out of school. I am not ashamed to say, I drank enough alcohol to sink the titanic myself three-fold over, well the hangovers felt like it anyway. Drugs…there was not a drug I had not tried and retried over and over. I have recollections of not having recollections of recollections. Yeah…you confused? Now you can imagine how confused I was.

I resorted to all kinds of skullduggery to get my fixes, robbery, hijacking, muggings…prostitution. The last one was fun, till the clientele started to become not woman but men wanting my services. I am all for LGBTQ or whatever it is nowadays, but I am straight and could not bring myself to do be with another man, even if the money was good. I guess I failed at that one. I am not as enlightened as I wish to believe. To each is own happiness I say, life is pitifully short and who are we to stand in the way of others happiness?

Now, I know what you must be thinking, how did a child come into my life? A wild whoring man, hell bent on getting his rocks off, his mind altered, and his liver flooded. Well, the way I operated, was without love, I would deck anything in a skirt. Sexist you scream? I told you I was a low life. (No third dangling middle legs though.)

Eventually one of the unlucky ladies became pregnant and decide to dump the little bundle of joy in my lap.

She was a special sort. Met her sober and hated her almost as much as she hated me and my kind. She was a sexist, racist bitch…when sober. Drunk, now that is where it changed. I would say her real personality came out when she was drunk. Lovely person, hot bod, her ebony skin so silky smooth…I digress.

Pity, she had to sober up. Then the bitch was back, and Satan was running away from his bride. Well suffice to say, I notched a couple with her, no protection, felt her wrath the next morning. Almost ran out my own place, before kicking her out.

Note, I inherited my small house from my mother. She took care to make sure I could not sell it as well. No trust I tell you. Rates, taxes, water, electricity, all sorted out by her and the trust. If I ever reached forty years old, then it all becomes mine. A cool couple of million.

A nice carrot on a stick, that I just did not really care for back then…still don’t. Cannot miss what you don’t have.

I digress…as usual, well after I finally got the bitch out my house and having learnt some new racist words for white people and had my masculinity called into serious question. I went about my life as usual, bottle whiskey and a super-size spliff of purple haze.

I did not have a care in the world. I had a roof over my head, had to only obtain money for food, drugs, etc. My life was made. Work was unheard of in my life since I l had left school over a year prior and I was sure as hell determined to keep it out my life forever.

Almost did…

Nine months is a long time if you are a working schmuck…for me, it flew by so fast, I never even knew the date when the unexpected happened. I was sober for two days, clean from drugs for a week, odd I agree, but I had a reason. I had a plan, I wanted to go to America.

To go to America, via the company I wanted to go with, I had to pass a drug test. Easier said than done, since fifteen, I have been doing drugs of all sorts. I was so addled by the substance abuse, you just had to bring the test kit near me to have it fail. So, I had to clean up my act. Six months of no alcohol, drugs, etc.

I can hear your argument that alcohol consumption will not get you disallowed into America, problem is, when I drink, I drug. Only way to stay the course was to abstain from it all. Friends included and I had a lot of friends. All basically like minded.

There I was, resting my craving body on my front stoep, when the bitch walks back into my life…carrying a bundle of blankets. It did not take a rocket scientist to figure out it was a baby. I watched her casually walk up to my front gate, throw it open and stride up to me as if she owned the world.

Having none of that, I asked her to leave. The explicit words that issued from her mouth to me would have shocked many a construction worker. I was taken aback…just a bit and before I could recover, she thrust this bundle into my arms with a piece of paper. She reminded me how lucky I was that she did not lay a rape charge against me back in the day and that I should take care of the shit I had made.

At that moment I was shocked, a baby screaming in my ears like a bloody bomb siren, a piece of paper with my name, as the father and hers…I till that day had not known what her real name was. I knew then and there I would still call her the bitch.

There I stood with this crying baby, a look of horror on my face and no clue what the hell to do. I have never even owned or looked after an animal. Useless, was a very mild way of describing my abilities. Being of sane mind…or nearest as an insane asylum patient could be classed as one. I decided to look after the child for a day or two till I found it a new home.

Google was my best friend that day, I googled everything I needed and made a list, an epic list, a list so momentous, that my teachers would have been proud. I also thanked my mother for being a bloody hoarder. She kept all my baby clothes, stroller…even the cloth nappies I wore. Though I would live to regret those. I had to wash them. A shudder still runs down my spine at how the baby filled those nappies. Disposables, to hell with the environment. Once thrown away, out of site out of mind.

To my absolute horror, the first nappy I changed revealed the horrors that awaited me in the future. I had a daughter! Future discussions around feminine hygiene, periods…my mind raced that day. I needed help and I needed it urgently.  All I could do was sort my list out first. I spent all my ill-gotten loot that day on one little baby.

I could never have foreseen the lasting impact this small human being would have on my life.

Suffice to say, it was a novel experience at first. A new toy to play with till I could resolve the issue.  What I thought would be a few days had turned into six months of diligent care. I could never had predicted it. My dreams of America were not even on hold anymore but a distant flight of fancy. I soon discovered I did not have any friends; all were there for me when the alcohol flowed, and the drugs were flying.

I wished to move on but...I could not bring myself to distance myself from her for some reason. Love could not have been the reason, surely? Perhaps I have grown used to the little shit bag or maybe I am not the big useless dirt bag I had made myself out to be.

Sorry, I did not mean to burst out laughing. I am the biggest dirt bag out there. I wear the crown! No one surpasses me. Right now, I can feel her eyes staring at me. Sweet innocence, unknowing of the useless turd looking after her. Seriously, if I think about it, I might just be losing my mind. I could easily have gotten rid of her at a moment’s notice at any fire station or hospital...much like her mother did with her to me.
  
Would this little girl see me as I see myself? Most woman realized it by the next day what a deplorable douche bag I am. Can I fulfill this little beings needs? I have a job, a well-paying job at that, something I would not have expected. I guess I am not as useless as I think. She is changing the way I feel…think about myself.

Strange how everything in this world works.

Well, let me tell you, my thoughts about a mother who would abandon a child like this, with an absolute degenerate like me. Well suffice to say, she ranks as high as myself in my esteem...maybe a notch higher, but that is just my prejudice.

I enjoy watching her play, no care in the world, crawling here, there, everywhere. Standing against the table, trying to walk…falling and always trying to do it again. Never giving up. She is teaching me as much as I am teaching her.

Till today, I look at her and see the resemblance of her mother and of me in her features.  We needed each other. Her mother did a good deed without knowing it, as selfish as she was.

I finally understand the love my mother had for me and in all she did for me. One day I hope to have instilled this in my child as well. Her blue eyes shine with a happiness, I thought long gone from my life. I have found my soul again and can live moment to moment not chasing the fleeting highs of my life.

Simple things bring lasting happiness.

I have finally become a man and it took a child to make me one. All I can do is thank her every day that I am alive.