Smother a Grease Fire

i am but slowly realizing 

how much i desire to be engulfed in flames. 

and one could argue that i am, 

constantly, 

that im always in the throes of chaos

always the first to be burned 

like Joan of Arc 

but much more cowardly--

i am much more lost 

much more unsure--

so maybe not fire

maybe i simply desire to cease to exist. 

Maybe I want to be wind

always there

but others

are not so aware--

maybe that's what I already am--

not heeded, 

not noticed, 

until i am such a bother

until i become so angered

vindictive and boisterous

that my howl can be heard for miles around

like a freight train missing the tunnel entrance--

and all my spite,

and all my despair,

can bear in silence no more--

and so i become a tormenting

tortuous tornado

taking down innocent victims 

until i slowly fizzle out 

and am left with the disaster 

that is myself.