To Whom I love

To whom I love

I am sitting on my bed, writing this to you.
I have so many things to say to you, so many things.
I remember the early days when we would laugh about the way we acted, the innocent smiles that radiated off our faces because we were happy. You made me happy in a way I could never describe, when I was with you I felt whole happiness that nothing else could give me. When we were apart I found myself missing you every single minute and thinking about the joyous times that would make my heart wrench. I always wanted to cry but when the tears came to my eyes they vanished because I remembered I’d see you the next day at school.
My love, how are you? 
I thought I knew what love was but I was wrong, terribly wrong. Childish in a way.
When I saw your face my day got so much better, everytime you were away, the tears stung my eyes, forcing their way out but I never let them escape because I would tell myself to be brave for you. 
For you, my love, I would be brave to everyone, even myself.
You were kind and caring and whenever a frown appeared on my face you were always there to make sure it disappeared. You never made me smile, you let me have my life and you let me be sad when I needed to be but always reminded me that there were better times and that I couldn’t be stuck on being happy.
Sometimes when I missed you I would always replay the memories of us at the very back of the cinema on the excursion, my hand grasping yours as I leaned on your shoulder and you leaned back. 
I wasted so much time, so much time.
I thought I knew who I loved, that my heart had belonged to him only.
Another childish mistake.
I don’t know what happened but as the end neared, I realised something.

You were always in front of me, I was always looking and you were always something I saw. I just never realised that my love, your eyes would stare into mine and you would find my thoughts. Thoughts that were always about you. I promised myself that I would find someone to love one day, and when the end was near I knew it was you. For 2 years we had been classmates and yet I never knew you were there. Never knew you were there for me.
So many wasted moments.
My love, this is my first and will be my last letter to you.
Because I know and you know, everything I needed to say was already on here.
I just wanted to say that I forgive you.
Even though you never said sorry, I forgive you.
I forgive you for taking that blade and drawing out my blood that once belonged to you.
And always will.