10 years in february

Nan,
You're so much more than that, I don't think words will ever begin to express that. You were my best friend, my savior, my mother, my only. I hate saying were, it makes it even more so real that you're not here with me. You're in my mind so much more recently, I don't know why; maybe as I've grown older its easier to get in touch with my emotions and realize what's happened. 
I'm so tired of this ache, it's such an empty feeling. I'd always thought I had experienced heartbreak in relationships, but I get over things like that in a matter of months, even weeks. It's been 10 years in February that you would have been stolen from me and I am not over it. I thought I was, but every day i feel less need to carry on without you. What is a world if it doesn't have you walking the pavement? 
I get told I look like you all the time and I shrug it off as if someone had just complimented my new shoes when, the truth is, Nan; I'm doing everything in my fucking power to resemble you. I love you. It's unhealthy, it's like an obsession. How long am I going to live wanting somebody I can't have????
And if you want to know what gets me the most, it's the fact I HAD you. And back then, I didn't realize how much of a blessing you truly were to my life, because you were...YOU ARE. I can't accept you're gone.
How do people do that? Love somebody with every fiber of their being, have them taken away from them overnight and then continue to live? I can't. I need you back.
All I want is a sign from you that you may still be present and this is all a long, unbearable fucking nightmare. This is so raw!!!
Losing you was the worst thing that could have happened to me, Nan. 
And what am I supposed to do when everyone else decides to leave me too? I can't cope with that. When I look at people who remind me of you, the family members, I can't go 5 minutes without even slightly bringing you up in conversation and if, well, when I lose everyone that remind me that you once existed, what am I supposed to do? 
I can't grieve on my own, it hurts.
I feel like I talk about a character now, when I talk about you, because you're just a picture now and I can't remember your voice I CANT REMEMBER YOUR VOICE PLEASE SPEAK TO ME. All I can do now, is tell people about you, tell a story about you, whether their interested or not I don't know, but i fucking am. I love you, repeatedly. 
Death happens to everyone, everyone loses someone they love, this just feels different. It wont stop, I ache, I listen to Kate Bush and MARC BOLAN - CAT BLACK because it's all I have left of you. Why do I purposely bring back the pain of burying you underground by torturing myself with your funeral songs? 
Please talk to me, you're so beautiful. 
I want you to see me get married, and have a baby. I wan't you to hold my baby and come to the hospital with me when I do eventually decide to take that step in my life. 
I want you to guide me when men aren't treating me well enough. Everything I wan't I cant have - I sound like Veruca Salt right now, but, i'm not a bad egg. Is it so selfish and spoilt of me to wish your beauty was still breathing, laughing, I LOVE YOUR LAUGH, and your pictures, I love you over and over.

I just want someone to save me right now, I've fallen so deep into a pit of depression that only you can pull me out of, please give me a sign that you're still here and give me the strength to carry on, my beautiful white butterfly. 

I miss you so much. xxx