The One I Meant to Leave

I sat back to write another one again
This is the one I leave for them to read
I continue to write as tears stream down
my pale white face
Pondering the way it should be
I blink with the slightest thought of how
I want it to be
With them all crucifying me
They don’t have the slightest idea
of the pain I buried deep within 
Should I make it quick with the gun beside 
or make it slow with the pills
But the thought of watching blood flow 
from this body of mine
Seems like the way I want to be

With the last strength I drop to my knee
calling out for forgiveness 
I close my eyes as the tears stream down
As he shows me what will become
To the ones I hold deep in my heart
Now with the guilt that burdens this dark
soul of mine
Telling me this is not my time to have 
death to claim my soul
I slowly crumple this death warrant of mine
But maybe the next one will be the one