12 Inch Bottle Opener

I was on holiday in Bulgaria when I first spotted the suprise
A suprise not fit for children or the elderly, or those with easily offended eyes

On the market stall it hung, and it was very well hung of course
It shone in the afternoon sun
An appenditure I'd be proud of 
Even if I were a horse

With my twisted sense of humour, and my unusual set of friends
I knew I'd get a good laugh from this twelve inch wooden cock bottle opener, varnished bell end

I have an unusual sense of humour, some would call me vulgar or quite crass
One I thing I know for certain is that I wouldn't want this twelve inch bottle opener stuck up my ass

It was uniquely crafted carpentry, complete with balls n all
But it looked very conspicuous in my trouser pocket
It definitely wasn't small

I had a practical joke in mind just like the year before
Only this year I would hide the bottle opener inside my best friends cutlery drawer

Last year I gave him one quite similar but it was only ten inches, no more.
This year I thought he may be expecting it
So that's why I just said nothing and hid it in his cutlery drawer

I could already imagine the puch line in my head, when guests come round for drinks.
A japs eye so big it causes a draught whenever it nods its head or winks

Say what you will about my sense of humour, unique friends and more
You can call me distasteful, vulgar, but never a bore

Some friends bring fridge magnets back from holiday
But I must admit they are quite lame
On the other hand there's wooden cock bottle openers...
I've been told that two are never whittled quite the same

Just rember when you visit your friends that nothing represents friendship more
Than a twelve inch wooden cock bottle opener
Hidden inside the cutlery drawer