A Depressed Mans Perception

I breathe her in, 
The bundle of nerves
in my brain stem
crackling 
With electricity 
And I am consumed by her. 
I am drawn to this woman
like a bee is to honey.

I need her 
As bad as I need air in my lungs as bad, 
As I need blood in my veins skin on my bones 
I want to wrap myself
in her skin, 
So that I can become a part of her body. 
I need her body. 
Her body is grace her body,
is not perfect 
But I fucking love it that way
it’s almost like, 
Her imperfections 
And my imperfections 
Have molded together to form 
This perfect sphere of
imperfect perfection and god, 
It is perfection.

I don’t understand
what she sees in me. 
Some days 
I don’t love myself. 
Some days I can hardly bear 
To pull myself out of bed 
My hands and feet
acting as anchors 
My body
a ship at a cold dead stop
some days, 
I want to die.

Some days I don’t love myself. 
And I can’t imagine
how she could. 
I know 
She says that she loves me. 
That I am the one thing that makes her happy 
That I make her feel safe 
That I keep her grounded 
That I am her world
that I am her 
Reason for smiling for breathing that I, 
Am what keeps her sane 
But I do not understand how I keep her sane 
When it is insanity 
That threatens to consume my mind each day.

I am still broken, 
Yet I am trying to fix her
Because for some reason 
Her wellbeing 
Is so much more important
Than my own.

My medication 
Is allowing my mind to fail me. 
I cannot feel much 
But I can feel this love for her 
Pulsing through my bloodstream 
She is heroin, 
Her kiss the needle 
I am overdosing on her affection 
I am spitting up her laughter 
And choking on her smile.    

I like to take long walks on the beach. 
Sometimes I turn my body towards the water 
And walk 
Straight in with my clothes on 
My t shirt clinging to my skin 
As I sink beneath the ripples.

I had wondered 
what it felt like to drown. 
What it felt like to hold your breath 
So long 
You can feel your lungs pounding in your throat 
Trying to claw their way out 
Aching 
Screeching 
Begging you to take a breath, 
And when you finally give in
They are assaulted by water 
Instead of gifted with air.

I wondered what it would feel like to drown, 
So I dove into her mind 
And sunk beneath her memories
Where I placed my own 
And I felt safe. 
For a moment, I had felt safe… 
I allow this poetry to drip from my mouth 
Like blood from an open wound 
I wear my heart on my sleeve my eyes, 
Now wet stare into the mirror.

At the time, 
I longed to see 
This delicate flower’s petals bend to my will 
But I dared not touch her 
For fear that 
I would have tainted her colors 
With my shades of agony 
I was a broken man. 
I am a broken man. 
And as a broken man 
I only deserve broken things, 
That is why I ached to break her.

I wanted to peel back her soft pink petals 
And leave her exposed to me 
Because I realized 
That if she was damaged, 
I could keep her. 
But for now, I will smile at her 
And keep my thoughts of ruining her innocence 
Hidden in the back of my mind 
So she will not suspect 
That I will be the cause of her destruction.

[I will watch her decay 
And die 
Slowly over time. 
I will allow her to believe 
That she is doing it to herself 
I will not tell her, 
That it is me pulling her apart like loose seams 
On an old doll, I am the child, 
That does not love their toy 
And is willing to destroy the one thing 
That provides 
True happiness.]