A Prayer Unfounded

Find what was lost to faith,
brought to life without sin,
Through Inaction was I damned,
May by suffering I be absolved,
For repentance is my way,
though no amount by which I may,
when the nights are long,
I pray to them,
for their wisdom, but I am lost,
I feel the darkness where they you were,
Were all those dark nights a dream?
When I would kneel by my bedside,
Close my eyes, and trust in the light;
Seek higher meaning behind woe...
What then remains?
IS it not conscious thought,
but arbitrary fate,
that which gives fortune, misfortune, alike,
if so by what means does prayer,
invocation to the empty heavens,
ameliorate such wretched realities?
If there is no one to pray to,
then what was it that made me feel safe,
when all the world was against me?
How could such things be unfounded,
when their fruits bore so sweetly?
A calm night when a tempest raged,
silence when the world moaned,
companionship when I was alone,
life when all was death,
yet no more.
I pray at night still,
but The void has gone silent,
and the dark closes in.
I hear her crying in the night,
I see her tears streaming like blood,
I feel her screams in my bones,
she smiles at me beyond the grave.
If this is my recompense, 
then let me die now.
Let them drag me off to wherever they go,
but save me this pain and heartbreak!
If I am alone in the dark,
there is every chance I might become it,
when my waking dreams are nightmares,
when my mornings are no more than dusk,
when beginnings feel penultimate,
when all the world seem content to let me suffer,
I wish simply for a moment, or eternity, of peace.
Let me sleep, Let me sleep again,
without her in my head,
without her words on my mind,
without her blood on my hands.
Let me die, and so live on.
Because by now, the only path to life,
May just be death...