And It Hurts

I want to hurt myself.
Is that weird?
I can remember the countless times,
I stared at the knives,
Sometimes even picking them up,
Bringing them close to my skin.
Tears running down my face.
But i didnt do it.
I didn't have the guts to.
I knew I would make others cry.
I want to make them happy.
So I smile.
And It hurts.
And so hide in my corner.
And bottle up feelings,
So they won't worry about me.
But still, I wake up,
Ready to smile.
And It hurts.
Being the youngest,
The smartest,
The asian,
The girl,
I am pressured.
To get hand me downs.
To get the best grades.
To face prejudice,
To learn to be a housewife,
To speak out,
To confront others.
I want so badly to acheive that.
But I can't.
And It Hurts.
I am worthless.
I am a failure.
My family is a hell hole.
Parents fighting everyday,
Being practically divorced.
But they don't leave eachother,
For us. The kids.
But. When they fight,
We witness all of it.
The yelling.
Suffering.
Cursing.
And no matter how many times
I go into my room and cry,
And shake,
And pray,
And convince myself that everythings fine,
It doesn't go away.
My mother wants to kill herself.
Stop taking her meds.
And I can't do anything about anyone's suffering.
And it Hurts.
I am made of lies.
I lie to my friends,
About money.
About happiness.
About everything.
They don't know the real me.
And It hurts.
I'm scared
That maybe, If I show them
The real me,
The empty,
Stupid,
Serious,
Selfish,
Idiotic,
Real me,
Will they turn away?
Yeah. They will. Won't they?
Because I'm fake.
My smiles.
My personality.
My words.
My everything.
It's fake.
And It hurts.
Despite my smiling outside,
My life,
My forced,
Awkward,
Fucked up life
Wants to end itself.
And it hurts.
And sometimes, I snap.
My last glimmer of hope
Disappears.
Maybe it's bullying.
Disappointment.
Worthlessness.
Fighting.
Loss.
Insanity.
People push me to the last nerve.
And suicide and misery
take over my brain.
And it Hurts.
Things I used to like
Are uninteresting.
I fake laugh at jokes.
And everything fades.
My life turns dull.
Uneventful.
Emotionless.
Empty.
Worthless.
And it hurts.

I want to hurt myself.
Is that weird?
Kinda funny though.
Isn't it?
I can't stop it.
It pulses through me.
Something comes over me,
And it hurts.
Living in a life like this,
hurts.
My poor choices
make my world hurt.
Everything I do hurts me.
And others.
My life may be stupid,
Idiotic,
Stressful,
Worthless.
And that hurts.
But I love my
Awkward,
Silly,
Ambiverted,
Fake life.
So much.
And for some unknown reason,
I hate myself for that.
And it hurts..