Another Bad Joke

I don’t pick up the phone,
Because I hate hearing silence.
I’m scared you’ll think there’s nothing left to say.
I’m scared what I do say won’t be enough to make you want to stay.

When I say I hate silence,
I don’t mean that comfort,
The comfort that comes with time.
I mean that feeling that any noise would be better.

I talk a lot of nonsense when I’m with you.
Sometimes because that’s who I am,
And I want to show you me, the me that is fun
But sometimes it's because any reaction from you is better than none.

Distance is hard but it’s harder when we fight,
Because then for a while things just don’t seem right,
And I spend time preparing myself for the worst
Because these things don’t normally get to me, but somehow you’ve hit me hard.

Hard because I have loved before so I know what it means to care,
Hard because even though we are different, when I’m with you I feel like me,
And sometimes me is a very hard person to feel like.
And sometimes me is a lot to handle on my own.

Now don’t get me wrong,
I can handle me alone,
But without you I just wouldn’t feel as strong.
I wouldn’t want you to think that this is a whine or… a moan.

It’s just about my struggle to work out myself,
Because sometimes my head makes up problems that didn’t exist before,
But sometimes I read situations faster than I read books.
I can read a fiction novel in less time than it takes the sun to get from one side of the sky to the other.

In reflection that isn’t very fast,
But when I light fires, like you light my fire
I’ve noticed paper burns very fast.
I read you like you’re a piece of burning paper.

But sometimes my readings and thoughts get mixed up,
And I’m not sure when it’s time to stop thinking,
Because my mind is made for thinking, thinking a lot.
So little things you say get caught up in the scribble of thoughts that make up my mess.

You’re further away than I want you to be.
I want you close every time I think your name.
I still smile when I see that you’ve messaged.
It hasn’t been long, but it’s been a while.

I wait for your name to appear on my screen,
It’s not healthy to think too much about one person.
But when I feel and think and think and feel,
I feel and think stronger than I wish I did.

So, if things don’t feel fine,
The lack of fine won’t go away.
For me, the line between fine and not… is very thin.
If you were close this wouldn’t happen because when you’re near this just doesn’t happen.

This is just a mess of thoughts I can’t put in order,
But maybe, if you just held me,
It would suddenly make a lot of sense.
Only if you want to hold me but I won’t know that until I look into your eyes.

Your eyes shine the brightest I’ve ever seen.
You aren’t a serious person but sometimes you give me a serious look.
It’s soft and gentle and delicate.
That look burnt itself into my heart.

A few hundred or a few thousand?
Every mile I drive closer I feel more like I’m at home.
Whether this is long or short,
It’s real for me, is it real for you?

I could keep on talking,
But does it really matter?
You once said you thought letters were cute.
 What about my thoughts thrown together to stop a heaviness I can’t explain?

Knock, knock
Whose there?
Just a bad joke trying to get your attention.
I laugh at every joke I tell you, not because they are funny, but because I know they aren’t.