Not Falling in Love

I was afraid that I could never fall in love
Because every time someone has said they love me, I didn’t feel happy
I’d feel like I had a pressure in my chest pushing down
The weight of the world crushing into my heart- I love you.
But I tried to play along
Because sometimes feelings change
Because maybe love takes time
And no one likes to be alone
But… there’s only so much you can lie to yourself.
So, I decided I didn’t need to find love.
I liked drinking 4 pound wine at 3 in the morning
As I write to myself about everything that’s wrong with the world
I like wearing fancy underwear as I go about my day so it can be a dirty secret between
Me…. And me.
It’s okay if no one has ever made my heart jump
It’s okay that after a while of being with someone I get angry
Not at them but at the fact my heart won’t focus.
At the fact that I love hugs but when he cuddled me at night it would feel like a prison
And I’d lie there waiting for the sound of sleep to attempt the great feat
Of wiggling away from someone I call paranoid when they ask if I really love them.
I want to love them.
But it’s okay, that’s who I was,
No one good enough, causing pain
but wondering who’s really at a loss?
Then you hit me like a brick,
A brick, being launch by a giant sling
Which has been building up speed for this very moment my whole life.
You made me feel like how I imagine it would feel like being shocked back to life.
You made it so I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing, and smiling and laughing
And this was one conversation, as we discussed what I should buy across a counter.
But I just wanted you.
And when I went back we talked about a mutual passion,
I never wanted to stop
I wanted to sit you down and catch you up
I wanted to know your every strength and your every weakness
I kept trying to think of excuses to return.
But there are only so many excuses.
I’ve never felt this kind of spark.
This spark feels like it could burn my demons
This spark feels like it could be the fire that keeps me going
This spark reminded me that I am someone
And anyone can love, anyone can feel
And fuck, I can feel.
You helped me know I can fall in love.
I just wish you knew my name.