Behind Sight

To miss, is to not forget 
With a hint of regret
Combined with heartache 
But not for the sake, of allowing time to pass..
-The healer of all wounds-
Mostly, like moving on still knowing you’re presently consumed by the past 

Constant consciousness in misery is the dred of reality 
Living miserably in every sense  
And, in a sense, I’ve been proactively self destructing 
Relapsing and rehashing memories
Trying to connect the dots between, what’s happening and our last interaction 
Since then, as time lapses 
I’ve been catapulted deeper into the future
A few thoughts of “woulda, shoulda, coulda”
When pride fueled stubborn phrases, saying “I couldn’t”
Still torments my mental continents
So what’s to ensue down the lifeline 
Due to dubious actions 
Fallacies and impulses  
Overtly implicating my faults at blame
So implicitly I begin to question who I really am
Mirror on the wall “Who do I actually see?”
Is it honestly me?
Or a fractured façade of what use to be
Maybe never been
Have I ever seen myself; how and when?

Reconstructing an outdated facility 
To re-facilitate the remodeled dwelling 
Housing thoughts, fragile to the feeling
Cringe emotion spilling through the cracks of an empty vessel
Went wrong on a path well laid
More narrow than straight
But well enough to walk in fulfillment of promises often made
Hopes, deemed dreams in foresight
But the foundation was more like
Shifty sands in hindsight 
Giving no real stride for footing 
Would I have even recognized the difference between hollowed grounds and sound cobblestone?
Crowned with rubies and gold 
To light the way down the yellow brick road
Clicking my heals against the cement 
“I wish”
Then reality calls
And fantasies fades
What’s there to reminisce of?
But to replay all that I missed in real time..
The arguments that scream ample warning signs
Tears that amplified, the severity

Here in the now
Knowing what I know, reflecting on who I use to be 
Seeing all..
Rear view is 2020
And as I pass, memories may appear closer  
In the deepest recesses of my mind
I find solace and comfort 
Growth through struggle is not ideal
But effective 
To live is to assume the unexpected
Welcoming self-acceptance