Blood and Water
The bitterness brims and bubbles away
As the heart that once felt love over-spills.
Leaving only burnt ashes left to stay
Betrayal hurts more, as vengeance distills.
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As the heart that once felt love over-spills
Venomous asps bite down on softest flesh.
Betrayal hurts more, as vengeance distills
The surface punctures are now simply etched.
--------------------------------------------------------
Venomous asps bite down on softest flesh
Deception manifests into such hate.
The surface punctures are now simply etched
Veins filled with poison, it's maybe too late.
------------------------------------------------------
Deception manifests into such hate
No antidote, only suffering pride.
Veins filled with poison, it maybe too late
Fighting the toxin that's built up inside.
-----------------------------------------------------
No antidote, only suffering pride
Water disperses as, bloods thickening.
Fighting the toxin that's built up inside
So lay down and die, or wake up and win.
-------------------------------------------------------
Water disperses as, bloods thickening
Leaving only burnt ashes left to stay.
Don’t lay down and die, just wake up and win
As bitterness brims and bubbles away...........
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Comments
The repetition of this pantoum makes it feel as though the asps' bites are throbbing painfully throughout the poem ... the sting of betrayal still lingers and won't relent.
The recurring motif of liquid also flows through the verses in varying degrees of consistency; cleverly and compellingly giving the whole piece an ebb and flow.
I know this was written from a place of pain and anger...and that the writing thereof palliated some of that. It's the great thing about art, in general, and poetry in particular...that expressing ourselves in an artful way can exorcise even the most difficult and pervasive feelings ... to some degree, at least.
That said, the best advice is contained within the poem itself...
Excoriating, passionate and brilliant ... much like yourself!!
J XxXxXxXxXxXxXx
Hi Jason,
You were right of course writing this did make me feel better :)
Thank you so much as always for your detailed insight into my poem, I love the way you capture the depth of what I want to say
All my love Lorna
xXxXx
WOW!! Miss CAIZLEY!:....I m moved and duly impressed by the tone that flows beneath the written words here.....a subtle brilliance permeating the stanzas conveyances....... taking the minds eye of the reader to unforeseen issues and circumstances .......and while there .....basking in the dark light of betrayal and deceit !!....fistful-O~stars!!.......LOVE and ROCKETS!!...... well done!!.......T xo ?✳✴☀♥
Thanks Tony,
Yes you're spot on in your interpretation of my poem, I really tried to capture the right tone in this one and I'm so glad it came across as I wanted it to
Lorna
xXx
Brillaint lines and the delivery, the repetitions, creates the effect of feeling what you feel/felt.
thanks Lost, i really appreciate your comments
lorna
x
My Dear Lorna,
.
The flood of waters from your lying lips
Drowned my heart with love for you
But the blood that ran through your icy veins
Was malevolent, and so untrue
.
I thought that we had bonded
And our souls had merged as one
But once you had my true devotion
To other women did you run
.
You burned me very deeply
Loves ashes in residue
But I'll rise up , you won't defeat me
Carried by my odium for you
.
Hugs, Peace and Love,
Larry xxx
Hi Larry, thank you so much...great poem, and I love your interpretation of it, thank you so much for you words
lorna
xXx
Excellent display of words!! Great ink,
hugs and kisses
Leah
My Dear Leah,
I am so sorry. I was going to write Lorna, and accidentally wrote her name instead of yours. Please forgive me for my brain fart.
Hugs, Peace and Love,
Linda xxx
Thank you Leah, I really appreciate your kind words
lorna
xXx
Wow!!...This is brilliantly written...Your choice of words is superb...Such a gripping piece!!
Hi rose, I really appreciate your kind words, thank you so much I'm glad you enjoyed it
Lorna
xXx
Dramatic moving work which so aptly demonstrates your capabilities as a poet.
Keep up the great work !
Love and hugs. x
:)
Thank you so much Richard, I am so pleased you enjoyed it. I really appreciate your kind words.
Lorna
xXx
Your poems are a delight.
Keep 'em coming !
Take care. Love and hugs. X
Wow Lorna, yet another amazing read. Very clever use of repetition. Although the poem had a dark tone to it, there was also an essence of hope and determination which I love. Extremely well done! ?
Thank you, I'm still trying to master the pantoum, I have had a couple of attempts at this one..
thank you so much again for your lovely words...
Lorna
Xx