Cannonball Chrysalis

Some nights I still stare out of my
Window from halfway across my
Room, the worn down carpet still
Imprinted with the soles of two pairs
Of feet, and I could almost feel myself
Sink into and drown in the dip where
Your heel would be, pressed up against
The wall. The sodium glow from the
Streetlamp outside gives me a
Headache, the glare forcing down on
The back of my eyes like a huge
Yellow fist and I squinted, trying to
Tell myself that the shadow of a stray
Cat was you walking down the road,
Bag half filled with snacks and regret,
And your freckles that were like little
Orange buoys in an ocean of white,
Two blue clouds pierced by black
Rain and a flowing mane, the mane
Of a fucking lion but the heart of a
Joker; the one card everyone knows
But nobody is sure of. I’m stood here
Looking out of this window but I
Know in my heart you’re never coming
Back, I know in my head you’re never
Coming back and my eyes are telling
Me you are never going to come back
And I can’t understand why you can’t
Just come back. I stand here every
Night until my eyes stream with
Emotionless tears; I don’t even blink,
I just stand and wait and wait and wait
And fall asleep stood up like a ghost,
Paralysed with the fear and the thought
In my head that I know, I’m just fucking
Certain, that you’re never coming back.
But I saw you. Yesterday. Under a
Streetlamp. It was turned off. The
Butterflies in my stomach turned onto
Wasps and my arms stiffened and my
Heart stopped and I kept walking and
I started to sweat and I gritted my
Teeth and I tried not to look at you
And you smiled at me.
You smiled.
I’d like to say the panic went away but
That just condensed it, crushed it all into
A ball and dropped it into my stomach,
And I got the kind of feeling I imagine you
Get if you get shot, or hit by a train. The
Only other time someone’s mouth had that
Effect on me was your own, three weeks
Prior when you looked into my eyes and
Smiled, and bit down on the side of my
Neck, and made me feel so alive that
The butterflies stayed as butterflies but
They burst from my stomach and filled
The air around us as we breathed but
Just then, in that moment, I could not.
I looked into the soft blue clouds on
Your face and the bottom of my neck
Boiled.
I smiled back.
Maybe I was just waiting at the wrong time.