Complicated Grief

I didn’t know I had a grief disorder.

I didn’t think I was on the brink of

being pushed over the border.

Complicated grief it is called and/or acute grief.

I matched this diagnosis with shock and disbelief.

Recently I was made aware of my symptoms.

Habitual behavior and rituals

are a part of my life coping systems. 

What an eye opener.

Wish I had known sooner.

In hind sight I can see a lot of how I have suffered.

I have tried so very hard to ease the pain and escape through a complete buffer.

So many loved ones passed away

while I was going through very busy and difficult times

I didn't stop to grieve

nor did their deaths have any reasons or rhyme. 

There has been 24 deaths in less than 30 years.

I’m in mourning and at times 

I am over come by waves of wailing tears.

My mind is consolidating and sorting a life time of memories.

I am dealing with the present and the past

 remembering details and making summaries.

The pain I feel overwhelms me.

To the heavens I plea. 

Shame, regret and sadness flows in so fast.

It feels like it will not be able to last.

Medication and therapy helps a little but

the cure it is not that simple.

It's hardly the tip of the iceberg

and more like trying to mend a gash like its' a scratch.

I pray to the good Lord for healing.

It’s hard to carry the pain I have been concealing.

I know God will make away for joy to return.

He soothes the grieving that churns.

In closing I must say.

I dare not from the Lord stray

or I might not see another day.