fake foods part three

last of my fake food rants for today

Fake Beer

Nowadays
When you order a beer
 
You have so many
Damn choices to make
 
You can order a craft beer
Or in Korea a fake craft beer
 
You can order a stout, an IPA
You can order  draft beer
 
You can order canned beer
You can order keg beer
 
You can order bottled beer
You can order freshly brewed beer
 
You can order fruit beer
You can order corn beer
 
You can order gluten-free beer
You can order fortified beer
 
You can order alcohol free beer
You can order low alcohol beer
 
You can only light beer
You can order dark beer
 
And if you are insane
You can order coffee infused beer
 
But nowhere in this fake world
That we live in
 
Can you simply say
Give me a beer
 
And get a god damn beer
No more choices
 
Just give me
a damn beer
 
Is that too much to ask
Or Beer Gods?
 
Fake Wine

Like beer
Wine has evolved
Into so many damn choices
 
White wine
Red wine
 
Rose white
Dark wine
 
Chardonnay, sauvignon blanc,
pinot, pinot grigio
 
wine from any of the 49 US states
and 7 Canadian provinces
 
wine from 20 European countries
including Great Britain
due to global warming
 
wine from Australia
wine from New Zeeland
wine from South Africa
and even wine from India
 
and various types of fruit wines
strawberry wine
apple wine
persimmon wine
 
but all I want to have
is a simple god damn
 
a real glass of wine
made from real grapes
 
and I don’t give a fuck
where it is from
or what type of grape it is
 
just give me my damn wine
and leave me the bill
 
Fake Beer – The Rise of Bud
 
Years ago, in America
A beer manufacturer
 
Discovered that it did not matter
Whether he made a decent beer or not
 
All he had to do
Was hire the right marketing genius
 
And spend a gazillion of dollars
To convince the world
 
That his fake lousy beer
Was not only the real deal
 
But the best you could get
And the rest is history
 
This bud is for you
Sucker!

an example of the power of marketing.  I assume some people like Bud but for me, it is the worst beer in the world.  My personal opinion so if someone from Bud is reading and wants to sue me go ahead Make my day!  I consider Bud fake beer because I am sure that it would fail the German beer purity laws and I am sure it is filled with chemical enhancers but I could be wrong, perhaps it is real beer, just the worst tasting beer there is in my humble opinion. 
 
Fake Rum

At the same time
That the bud scam
 
Was brewing in America
By the bud fake beer King

Another scam
Was brewing in Porto Rica
 
Where the Barcadis had fled
From Cuba
 
With their piss poor
Lousy rum
 
The Barcadis hired
The right marketing gurus
 
And soon convinced
The gullible people of the world
 
That their lousy rum
Was the best rum in the world
 
When in fact
It was the worst rum in the world
 
But no one other than rum heads
Knew the difference
 
And so Barcadies
make a fortune
 
Off their lousy rum
And ruined rum’s  image
 
Among the non-rum drinkers
Of the world
 
If only more people knew
Real rum
 
Barcadis would be out of business
Or maybe not
 
The next Barcadi and Coke
Is for you

My personal preference - I like Mount Guy rum, I only drink Barcardi if there is no choice and I want a rum drink.  My personal opinion so if someone from Barcardi is reading and wants to sue me go ahead Make my day!   Again I assume that barcardi has lots of chemical enhancers but who knows it could be real rum but the advertising makes it a fake rum in my opinion as they falsey claim it is the best rum in the world. 

Fake Candy
 
Many years ago
The candy bar makers
 
Decided to sell
Their candy bars
 
In new, improved packages
Falsely implying
 
That their fake candy bar
Was somehow better than before

The only thing new was the packaging
Inside the package
 
They place half of the candy
The rest was just empty air
 
And the only improvement
Was to their bottom line
 
As they sold you less candy
For double the price
 
 
this scam new improved packaging started with candy bars in the late 70's then extended to lots of other food products - the packaging is half empty air, so they sell you less food and charge you double because it is new and improved!   

Fake Potato Chips

At the same time
The fake candy scam
Descended upon the unsuspecting world
 
The potato chip kings
Decided on the same damn scam
New improved packaging
 
Half the potato chips
In a package double the size
With the same result
 
New packages
Fake potato chips inside
And an improved bottom line
 
Selling you less
And charging you double
 
this scam new improved packaging started with candy bars in the late 70's then extended to lots of other food products - the packaging is half empty air, so they sell you less food and charge you double because it is new and improved!   

More Fake Potato Chips

It used to be simple
To buy potato chips
 
Just go to the store
And buy a bag
 
They were all the same
 
About the same price
Not too complicated
 
But now
You need a PHD
Just to figure out
 
The bewildering choices
Hundreds of chips
 
Some potato
Some sweet potato
 
Some bananas
Some plantain
Some veggie chips
Some corn chips
 
Some soy chips
Some jerky chips
Some popcorn
 
And most of them
Nothing but chemicals
And flavor enhancers
 
With maybe ten percent
Real ingredients
 
Some fried
Some baked
Some air dried
Some freeze-dried
Some boiled and then dried
 
Fried with soy oil
Fried with olive oil
Fried with grapeseed oil
Fried with avocado oil
Fried with walnut oil
 
Fried with coconut oil
Fried with vegetable oil
Fried with trans fat
Fried without trans fat
 
some falsely proclaim
to be Gluten free
but most have hidden gluten
 
 And all in large packages
Containing mostly empty air
 
Enough I say
Oh, for the good old days

When one got potato chips
And nothing more
 
Fake Cooks

They say
That in this world of fake things
 
Soon we will be faced
With robotic cooks
 
Who will cook up
Our fast food
And deliver it to our doorsteps
 
The fake cooks will be faster
Than human cooks
 
And will never make a mistake
And they will make our food for us
 
As they take the jobs
Of the real cooks

Just more machines taking over
Until someday
 
The machines will wake up
And turn on their creators
 
Perhaps led by the fake cooks
Who will burn us all alive
 
And cook us
For their dinner

inspired by learning about the first robot cooks being deployed. 
 
Fake Hot Dogs

In this day and age
Of fake food everywhere
 
Nothing is sacred anymore
Not even
The old fashioned hot dog
 
It used to be
The hot dog
 
Was made with beef
Or Pork

usually ground up
intestinal and other meat 

but still 
back in in the day

it was probably 
mostly meat products 

But nowadays
The hot dog

Is just as likely to be
Made out of chicken
Tofu, or turkey
Pork, chicken, beef
By-products
 
With some god awe full
Chemical crap
And flavor enhancers

To cover up the horrid taste
Of the industrial by-products
Scrapped from the bottom
Of the slaughterhouse

With nothing real about it
Except for the fake hot dog taste
 
Still best not to know
what is in your hot dog
 
But soon the fake food
As the fake food wizards
Will make a perfectly tasting
100 percent fake hot dog

As we eagerly eat
The garbage that they feed us

Proclaiming
That this was the best
Hot dog we ever had

The fake food people
are getting good
At the whole fake food taste thing
 
I once had a vegan girlfriend in college who lectured me on what was in the hot dog I was eating.  Made me think twice but every so often I crave a hot dog. Costco's are the best. they claim to be real but who knows?

Fake Hamburgers

In this day and age
Of fake food everywhere
 
Nothing is sacred anymore
Not even
The old-fashioned hamburger

A hamburger
Used to be a simple thing
 
A piece of beef
Slapped between bread
 
With your favorite condiments
Catsup, mustard, relish, pickles, tomatoes, lettuce
Cheese, bacon, hot salsa perhaps
 
On top of the delicious cooked beef
With a side of fries
 
Tasted so good
But was so bad for you
 
But who the fucked cared
As we ate our burgers and fries
Truly heaven on a plate
 
But nowadays
You can have chicken burgers, Mutton burgers, Goat burgers
Falafel burgers, Turkey burgers, Veggie burgers
 
Tofu burgers, Onion burgers, kimchi burgers
Naked burgers, Fish burgers, Ostrich burgers
Bison burgers, oyster burgers, egg burgers
 
All sorts of burgers
Just the way you like it
 
But I prefer
The old-fashioned
Real beef burger
 
Made from 100 real beef
Not the fake meat products
 
They sell in Mc Donald’s
The first purveyor of fake burgers

no offense to Mc Donalds but they are the king of fake foods....

 Fake Turkey – The Horror of tofu Turkey

Many years ago
I went to a friends house
for Thanksgiving
 
They were vegetarians
So, they served us tofu turkey
 
I was polite
And ate my fake turkey
Craving the real deal
 
And I said to myself
Never again
 
Will I eat that abortion
of a food product
 
The god damn tofu turkey
Just give me my real turkey
 
And stop this fake turkey nonsense
Right now!

my personal feelings no offense to my vegan friends. Tofu turkey is fine but my cup of tea.
 
Fake Cereal

In the modern world
Of fake food products
Nothing is real anymore
 
It used to be that cereal
Was a simple affair
Just cereal hot or cold
 
Milk and some fruit
And there you go
Perfect breakfast
 
Nowadays
You have so many damn choices
 
Hundreds of types of grain
Some gluten free

most with hidden gluten
almost all with corn syrup

or even worst 
chemical sweeteners
 
And packages that show fruit
And grains together
 
But often the package lies
There is no real fruit
 
In the cereal
Just flavoring or powder

 with maybe five horrible dried
 real berries 

or lots of fake berries
with fake berry flavoring  

buried in the cereal box
for you to hunt down

Or chemicals posing as real food
Extenders of all sorts
 
With almost no real food
Inside the box
 
And don’t get me started
On all the preservatives
In our morning breakfast
 
Fake Ice Cream

The fake food people
Have even taken
on remaking ice cream
 
Ice cream
Used to be made
 
With real cream
And real fruit
And not much else
 
Nowadays
You can have ice cream, tofu ice cream
sherbet, frozen yogurt, egg free, dairy free
ice-free ice cream
 
Or fake ice cream
With nothing but chemicals
And flavoring
 
But for me
Give me
The real deal
 
Ice cream
Made with real cream
And real fruit
 
Fake Eggs

I love real eggs
From real chicken
 
Preferably free range
Vegetarian fed,
No antibiotic feed
 
No hormones added
Non-caged chickens,
 allowed to roam about
 
As God intended
them to do
 
Not locked up
In chicken coop hell
 
But now
We have so many choices
           
 We can have fake eggs
 Without any cholesterol
 Or yoke

 or non-chicken eggs
ostrich eggs, wild bird eggs
            
 Tastes like real chicken eggs
 At least they claim
           
But who knows what’s real
Any more
           
Can you trust
The chicken is real?
 
Fake Bacon
 
It seems that bacon
Has come back from the dead
And is everywhere these days
 
There is even bacon ice cream
Bacon whiskey
Bacon tacos
 
Yeah I love bacon
But I don’t like the fake bacon
 
You can get beef bacon
Turkey bacon
Tofu bacon
totally fake bacon
 
All look like bacon
Taste like bacon
Cook like bacon
Seems to be bacon
 
But it is all sham
Nothing real about it
 
Just another fake healthy food
In a long line
Of fake food products
 
Designed to get our money
Out of our pockets
And into their greedy little arms
 
So, I resist
I want the real deal
 
I want bacon real bacon
With my real eggs
 
And if it means
I am fated
 
To die of a real heart attack
At least I will die
A real man

Fake Tea

Tea is another thing
That seems to be fake
These days
 
All sorts of fake herbal teas
Decafe teas
Tea substitutes
 
Tastes the same
Looks the same
But it is not the real deal
 
Not really a cup of tea
The British know a thing
 
Or two
About fake tea
 
Been complaining about tea bags
For centuries
And that was the first fake tea
 
Fake Soju

There is some good news
In the war
Against fake food
 
Soju
The Korean drink of choice
Used to be made out of chemicals
 
But 20 years ago
The government allowed soju
To be made with real grains again
 
And so artisanal soju was born
Now you can get soju
 
Real soju made from sweet potatoes
According to ancient recipes
 
But soju has been watered down
No longer packs quite the punch
 
Still the cheapest drink
In the world

Fake Malkali
 
More good news
In the endless war
Against fake food
 
In Korea, you can now get
Artisanal malkali
The Korean rice wine
 
Malkali the drink of farmers
Used to be made out of chemicals
 
But the government legalized
100 real rice wine
Decades ago
 
When malkali became the latest thing
As Koreans rediscovered traditional culture
 
And malkali the drink of farmers
Became the drink of the urban intellectual set
 
Fake Kimchi – the Kimchi Kimuchi Wars

Many years ago
The battle against fake food
Reached an absurd height
 
In Japan
Seeing an export opportunity
 
The Japanese started exporting Kimchi
All over Asia
 
Their kimchi was a bit milder
Than the real Korea deal
They called it kimuchi

Claimed that they had improved
Kimchi
And their kimchi was the best
 
The Korean government
Took the Japanese government
To international arbitration
 
The ruling was in Korea’s favor
Japanese Kimuchi was not Kimchi
According to the ruling
 
Fake Vodka

Vodka
Used to a Russian thing
Not anymore
 
Vodka
Used to made out
Of potatoes
Not any more
 
Now Vodka
Is made everywhere
 
In France, in Sweden
In Poland, In Russia
In Ukraine

And even in Texas, Oregon
Virginia, DC 
 
And vodka
Now is made with herbs
Potatoes, sweet potatoes
Corn, rye and so much more
 
And some vodka
Is made with chemical enhancers
 
But for me
Give me
 
A straight shot
Of proper Russian
Potato made vodka

Fake Menus

I am tired of fake menus
The pictures of the food
Looks so great
 
But then when you order the food
You see it does not look the food
Advertised on the menu
 
Nor does it taste anything
Like what was promised
 
The menu is as fake
As everything else these days
 
Nothing but hype
Smoke and mirrors
 
Designed to confuse you
And rip you off
 
There have been a few real menus
Over the years
 
The most famous one of all
Was the heart attack restaurant
 
Which showed a giant 2-pound burger
Loaded to the gills
 
Advertised to be as deadly
As a heart attack
 
It was a gimmick sure
But it worked for a while

until their customer base
started dying off 
 
Here in Korea
The restaurants sometimes
Have some problems with the English version
 
Once I ate at a restaurant
That offered Baked Rick
 
I declined to try the cannibal dish
Being offered
 
And wondered who this poor Rick was
Perhaps just someone who failed to pay
And became the signature dish of the day?
 
And another bar
Offered cock and tail
On the wall and on the menu
 
Wondered if they wondered
Why they had suddenly
Become a gay bar? 

Fake Salt

As I walk through
An abandoned salt mine
Near the new Korean airport

Nothing left but salt pounds
And field of reeds
and wild plants

Deer and wild cats
Wild dogs
Wander through the abandoned mines

Through the old village
Nothing remains at all

Not a single building
Just concrete slabs
Where the buildings were

And I thought about Salt
Salt used to be mined
Everywhere

In mountains
On in salt flats near the ocean
And the salt was good for you
Filled with natural ingredients

Then I thought
about commercial Salt

Nothing but chemicals
Designed in a lab

Just part of the fake food industry
That has destroyed the natural world

And our food
Is all drenched in fake salt
Fake sugar and fake flavorings

Providing poison
Scientifically designed to taste good